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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233099">the money after me (i'm back and a threat)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexaclub/pseuds/clexaclub'>clexaclub</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>money all on me [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Assassins, F/F, Happy Ending, Pregnant Octavia, and clexa, i am obsessed with these characters, i hope you love them too, of course because i love you, please read the first book for context</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:47:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,777</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexaclub/pseuds/clexaclub</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa have finally broken free of Nia's reign but someone has returned. Someone who wants to stop them from moving on with their lives.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Octavia Blake/Lincoln</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>money all on me [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1670359</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1 - January 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so i just found out school will be out for a very long time (i'm a teacher fyi) and this series will solve all my corona quarantine problems</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke enjoyed the weight of the engagement ring on her finger. She often found herself staring at it and thinking about her future. Never in her mind did she imagine her life would turn out this way. The past four years had proven to her that nothing would stop her from taking control of her life and having the future that she wanted.</p><p>A future with Lexa.</p><p>They discuss having a wedding every so often but something always stops them from pulling the trigger. <em>So to speak</em>.</p><p>A life without missions and jobs and killings had been an adjustment for all of them. Raven had grown so bored that she supplemented hacking government and bank sites with online stores. It was still illegal but at least now she had no fears that someone would assassinate her through the bedroom window because of it. Anya had taken to working out and training for boxing matches. It bothered Raven but only because her girlfriend would not train her, too.</p><p>This is what they were fighting about when Clarke and Lexa entered their apartment.</p><p>"You have a bullet in your spine, Raven!" Anya was shouting from the bathroom. Raven was in her usual seat at their dining room table. Clarke had only recently noticed that she always sat there because it had a special cushion on it.</p><p>"Your point is what?" Raven asked. "I want to fight you!"</p><p>"Now you're fighting me?" Anya asked. Clarke heard her scoff from the couch. "Babe, no offense, but I would totally take you down."</p><p>Raven stood and walked to the bathroom where Anya was changing her clothes. Her limp seemed even more obvious because of their conversation. "If I remember correctly," she started, pushing open the bathroom door despite Anya's protests. "I had no problem taking you out last night."</p><p>Lexa groaned from beside Clarke on the couch and covered her ears with her hands. It reminded Clarke of a child who was tired of their parents fighting. It made her laugh. </p><p>"Look what you've done to little Lexie!" Anya said, motioning toward her sister. She emerged from the bathroom with wet hair and loose clothes. "Raven, I am not fighting you and that is that."</p><p>Raven and Clarke both rolled their eyes. Raven fell back on the chair across the room. She grunted in pain and adjusted until she was comfortable once more. She shot Anya a glare when the woman was about to speak up with, what would probably be, an '<em>I told you so</em>.'</p><p>"I'll fight you, Raven," Clarke said. "Actually, I'm working out this afternoon with Linc. Want to join us?"</p><p>"Yes," she replied, sticking her tongue out at Anya. "I know you're only asking me because you're tired of being his punching bag though."</p><p>"Well, I guess I never truly appreciated Octavia until she was gone," Clarke replied.</p><p>"How is everything going with her?" Anya asked.</p><p>Anya grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and moved to sit on the couch. She put her feet on the arm of the chair Raven was in. The woman knocked them back to the ground quickly.</p><p>"Everything's good," Clarke said. "I just really hope it's a boy. Lincoln won't shut up about what he's going to do to future boyfriends of his daughter. I actually had to hide from him the other day because he got so worked up thinking about the baby growing up and going to prom."</p><p>"It'll be a boy," Lexa said confidently. </p><p>"Don't try and change the subject," Anya said. "Raven is not fighting anyone. Clarke, you know I can kick your ass if you try."</p><p>"Hey!" Clarke said. She nudged Lexa's shoulder. "Defend me!"</p><p>Lexa looked at her sister and then at Clarke. "It's kind of hard to defend that when it's true, honey," she said.</p><p>"So fucking rude," Clarke grumbled. "You're sleeping in the guest room tonight."</p><p>"Anya, I'm sorry but I'll have to fight you if you try to fight Clarke," Lexa said. "And we all know that I would win."</p><p>Clarke smiled at that and leaned against Lexa's side again. The woman wrapped an arm around her shoulders, protectively. "I love you," Clarke said.</p>
<hr/><p>Clarke wrapped her hands with tape as they waited for Lincoln to arrive. Raven was watching the other people around them train and practice fighting. Clarke could tell she was intimidated by it all. Just as she felt her first time here, too.</p><p>"You'll be great," she said. "Lincoln's a good teacher. That's why I know he'll be such a great father."</p><p>As if on cute, Lincoln and Octavia arrived at the gym. "I have to pee," Octavia said already on her way to the bathroom.</p><p>They had found out she was pregnant the week after their wedding ceremony. Octavia had already been eight weeks along by then. Now, she was over halfway through the pregnancy. Clarke was excited for her, if not a bit jealous of how easy it had been for the two of them to conceive, and promised to be there for them every step of the way. </p><p>As Octavia's best friend, Clarke was always on call for anything the woman needed. That often meant Clarke was buying extra ice cream on her grocery store runs. </p><p>"Raven wants to learn how to fight," Clarke said.</p><p>"Anya says I can't," Raven explained. "Because of my leg and all."</p><p>"Well..." he started. "Won't it be kinda...?"</p><p>Clarke watched Raven's face growing cloudy with anger and she quickly shot Lincoln a look. </p><p>"Kind of what?" Raven asked, folding her arms across her chest. "Kind of stupid for me to train? Kind of what, Lincoln?"</p><p>"What did I miss?" Octavia asked when she returned.</p><p>"Lincoln doesn't think I'm worth training because I have a gimpy leg," Raven argued. She pointed an angry finger at the man. "You know what? Forget it! I'm going home!"</p><p>Octavia and Lincoln obviously had no idea what to say as she angrily reached down to grab her bag. There was only a mild amount of struggle from the brace on her leg.</p><p>"Come on, Rae," Clarke said. "I'll train you. Lincoln, didn't mean it like that. Did you, Linc?"</p><p>"No," he said. "Of course not. I just don't want you to get hurt. I would love to train you. Anya deserves an ass kicking."</p><p>The tension seemed to dissolve at that which was a relief.</p><p>Later into the session when she was training with Raven, she took her punches without protest. Raven could be terrifying when she was angry.</p>
<hr/><p>"How is it that we have more drama in our lives now than a year ago?" Clarke asked as she entered their apartment. Her hair was still wet from the gym shower and she had actually managed to make Raven laugh on their way home. She threw her duffel on the counter and continued to the living room. "I mean, Raven was on a total war path today all because your sister said she-"</p><p>Clarke stopped when she saw who was standing in their living room. She looked at Lexa standing beside him. They had obviously been in the middle of an intense conversation but now both stared at Clarke.</p><p>"Roan?" she asked. "What the hell are you doing here?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2 - January 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa stepped closer to Clarke and blocked her view of the man now in their house. He was extremely unwelcome to her since trying to kill Lexa last year. Clarke personally felt that it was not too much to ask that he keep his distance from them. </p><p>"Maybe you should go change, sweetheart?" Lexa asked. Her voice was too sweet and too slow. It annoyed Clarke that Lexa thought she would go for that.</p><p>She folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow at her that spoke for itself. No way was she leaving Lexa alone with Roan, even for a second.</p><p>"Fine," Lexa said after a moment.</p><p>She turned back to her foster brother turned almost murderer. At least, in Clarke's mind. Rationally, she knew why he had made his decisions but if Clarke was willing to risk his life for Lexa... why wasn't her brother? </p><p>"I know I'm not your favorite person, Clarke, and you have a good reason for feeling that way," Roan said. "But I came here because we need to do something about Ontari."</p><p>Lexa moved to sit on the couch. When Clarke did not follow willingly, Lexa reached out to pull the woman down to sit. </p><p>"Congratulations by the way," Roan said, motioning toward the ring on Clarke's finger. </p><p>Normally, that would have caused Clarke to smile. Anything that reminded her of their engagement made her happy. She was happy but Roan made her angry. Roan was not her friend. </p><p>"Thank you," Lexa said. "So, Ontari. You said she's in contact with people who worked for Nia. What kind of contact?"</p><p>"She's still getting hired by people Nia knew," Roan said. "She's still killing. She still has Nia's old bodyguards working for her. I just... I have a bad feeling about it. I think you should go talk to her. Bring Anya."</p><p>"Absolutely not, Roan," Clarke said. "Good day then. See you never."</p><p>She stood from the couch and was about to go to the door to show him out when Lexa grabbed the back of her shirt. "Let's hear him out, Clarke," Lexa said. </p><p>"No, Lexa," Clarke said. "Ontari is not our problem. Why in the hell should we help the guy who tried to kill you? Why in the hell would I dare fucking help someone like Ontari?"</p><p>"Because," Roan said, rubbing his neck nervously. "I think she may try to come after you both again."</p><p>Clarke fell back to the couch with an annoyed groan.</p><hr/><p>That night while Lexa was finishing getting ready for bed in the bathroom, Clarke was staring out their bedroom window from her side. She grabbed her glass of water and took a long drink. She felt jittery. </p><p>Roan had not stayed long after dropping the bomb that Ontari could potentially be hunting them. She nervously twirled the ring around her finger as she watched couples walk by on the street below. Lights were beginning to go out as people fell asleep. Maybe they were reading in bed, snuggled up with their pets or kids, or watching a movie. Her mind went to Octavia and Lincoln who were probably doing just that and discussing what their future child may be like. It was weird to think that a baby would soon be in their company. </p><p>"Sweetheart," Lexa whispered, kissing the side of her neck. She ran her fingers up and down Clarke's arms. "I promise that everything is going to be fine."</p><p>"You can't promise me that," Clarke said. </p><p>"Yes, I can and I did," she replied.</p><p>Lexa moved so she laid across the bed and rested her head in Clarke's lap. Clarke tried her best to hang on to whatever residual anger still remained from their encounter with Roan. The second she looked down at Lexa though, it all disappeared.</p><p>"You're telling Anya tomorrow and we're coming up with some kind of plan," Clarke said. Her fingers ran through Lexa's long hair. She divided it into sections and started to braid. It was a nervous habit she had.</p><p>Lexa's eyes fluttered close as she focused on the feeling. As much as she wanted to ignore the threat of Ontari ruining this life they had now, Lexa could not. She understood how Clarke was feeling but someone had to be the calm one. Someone had to keep them grounded. Clarke's hatred of Roan clouded her judgement.</p><p>"I promise that I can take on Ontari, sweetheart," she said, her eyes still closed. "I mean... if it comes to that. No one will ever hurt you again, Clarke."</p><p>"I know," Clarke said. "I can handle myself and I can protect you, too,  but I just... I guess I like how things are now. I like that we can go to dinner without looking over our shoulders and that we can have game nights with our friends and that.... that we can, maybe, have a kid and I'm just... I'm worried we won't ever get to do that."</p><p>Lexa's eyes opened at that but Clarke's fingers did not stop moving in her hair. She could tell the other woman was vehemently avoiding Lexa's gaze. "You're scared," she said softly.</p><p>"I am not <em>scared</em>, Lexa," Clarke replied. "And even if I was, you aren't helping matters by telling Roan that you'll help him. In case you have forgotten, he stabbed you. He wanted to kill you."</p><p>"He did not <em>want</em> to kill me," she said. "He wanted to stay alive. You know how Nia brainwashed everyone. She even controlled you at one point."</p><p>Clarke's fingers stopped moving and she let Lexa's hair fall into her lap. "I think I'm going to take a bath," Clarke said. She carefully moved out from under Lexa and stood. After grabbing a fresh towel from the closet in the hallway, she escaped into their bathroom and closed the door.</p><p>"Can I at least just sit with you?" Lexa asked, still frozen on the bed. </p><p>"You can go ahead and go to sleep," Clarke replied.</p><p>A second later, Lexa heard the door lock slide into place.</p><hr/><p>When Lexa woke the next morning, Clarke's side of the bed was empty. She had tried to stay awake until the other woman was out but she had a feeling Clarke had specifically waited until she was asleep before joining her in bed. The entire apartment was empty when Lexa went to find her. It reminded her of the times before they truly trusted each other. </p><p>Back when Nia still ran their lives. Something about this situation reminded Lexa of that place in their lives.</p><p>A place she thought they were past.</p><p>Lexa showered slowly, to give Clarke her space, and then drove to the gym. Just as suspected, Clarke was inside the ring with Lincoln. Lexa sat beside Octavia on the ground.</p><p>"I can't believe how fast she is now," Lexa said. </p><p>Octavia, who was showing more than Lexa remember it to be two weeks ago, ignored her. She sighed and looked back up at her fiancee in the ring, fighting a man who could literally crush her with his bare hands. </p><p>"I take it you're mad at me, too," Lexa said. "I get it, okay? She doesn't want me to work with Roan. I'll talk to her. I won't do anything."</p><p>"You think she's mad about Roan?" Octavia asked. "He doesn't help but she's mad because you compared her to Ontari."</p><p>"What?" the other woman asked, genuinely confused. "I did not compare Clarke to Ontari."</p><p>"Yeah, you said that she was brainwashed by Nia," Octavia reminded her. "In case you have forgotten, Clarke went behind everyone's back when she <em>worked</em> for Nia to be with <em>you</em>. She lied to everyone because of you."</p><p>Lexa had a hard time keeping up with her logic and Clarke's reasoning for being upset. Instead of arguing further, she just nodded. "You're right," she said.</p><p>"So don't act like Clarke was completely brainwashed," she continued. "She's smart. She's smarter than me and Lincoln. We were brainwashed. Clarke was not. She may have killed for Nia but she needed the money and she had no one to help her. She had no family. We were the only people who were always there for her before you."</p><p>Lexa slipped under the ropes of the ring and took Lincoln's place. He stepped off easily. Clarke did not drop her hands as she stared at Lexa. "Why are you here?" she asked. "Lincoln, come back."</p><p>Octavia held him back. Lexa silently thanked her.</p><p>"Fight me instead," Lexa said.</p><p>Now, Clarke's taped hands fell to her sides in defeat. "You always win," she said. "Unless you let me win which is <em>annoying</em>."</p><p>"Clarke, I do not think that you are like Ontari," Lexa said. "I have never thought that. You did what you had to do and so did I. Look, I'm sorry for everything I said last night. I'll call Roan and tell him that we can't help. We can have a wedding and even have a kid if you want. I just want you to be happy."</p><p>Clarke sighed. She moved closer to Lexa, glancing at her mouth, before swiping the woman's legs out from under her. Octavia snicked from the side of the ring and Lincoln looked proud.</p><p>"You know as well as I do that we have to help," Clarke said, staring down at Lexa still lying under her. The sight made her feel like they were even again. "Call Roan and tell him to come over for dinner tonight. I'll gather Rae and Anya, too."</p><p>Clarke jumped down from the ring as Lexa rubbed her elbow. She sat up halfway. "And just so you know, I let you win that one!" Lexa called to Clarke's retreating back.</p><p>"Nice try, Lex," Clarke said.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i listened to every kind of way and as i am by H.E.R. while writing this, highly recommended</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3 - January 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"And I have to pee," Octavia said as she entered the apartment.</p><p>No one inside had time to notice she was there before Octavia was rushing off to the bathroom. Lincoln caught the coat she threw at him on the way which he laid over the back of the couch. Clarke and Lexa's apartment had become the new unofficial meeting place. Octavia and Lincoln had baby stuff everywhere and Anya was tired of cleaning up after them as she had the past five years.</p><p>Clarke watched Octavia go from her spot on the counter. Lexa noted the look in her eyes. She rubbed her hand over the woman's knees to which Clarke responded by pushing her hand away. Lexa knew, realistically, that Clarke was no longer mad at her but the anxiety about starting everything over after only a few blissful months was weighing on the blonde.</p><p>"So, it just like... moves around in there?" Raven was asking Lincoln. </p><p>"If by <em>it</em> you mean our baby and by <em>in there</em> you mean Octavia's womb, then yes," Lincoln replied with a laugh.</p><p>"No need to get all mushy, Linc," Anya said, shivering dramatically in disgust. </p><p>"You don't even want to know how it feels," Octavia said. She wiped her hands on her pants after sitting on their couch. "It's like an alien or something."</p><p>"Well, at least our child has been upgraded from an it to an alien," Lincoln said as he sat beside his wife.</p><p>"I think it's beautiful," Clarke said. She was prepping dinner by chopping vegetables on a cutting board. Maybe it was not overly clean for her to be sitting cross legged on the counter as she did. "Feeling the baby move and stuff. I bet it's nice."</p><p>"Eww, Clarke," Anya replied. She motioned toward her bowl of whatever it was. "I'm eating." </p><p>Lexa smacked the back of her sister's head as she walked by which made Octavia giggle. She went back to sauteing the stir-fry while Anya rubbed the back of her head. The room was more tense than it would normally be if they were having a regular dinner. Clarke wished it were a regular dinner and they were not waiting for Roan to arrive instead.</p><p>"Well, I guess we know that Raven and An don't want kids," Octavia said. "What about you, guys? I want my kid to have, at least, one friend. Or a sparring partner."</p><p>The thought of their children training together wad adorable. Clarke smiled. She painted the picture of a little brown-haired, tall kid training with Clarke and Lexa's little blonde kid. It disappeared when Lexa spoke up.</p><p>"Eventually, I guess," she said. Lexa spoke as if it were an obligation. After all, she had said last night that they could have a kid if Clarke wanted to. That was not necessarily what she had wanted to hear. Lexa had to want it too.</p><p>Clarke did not have time to think about this though. Roan was now back in their lives and that took priority. Plus, she wanted to be married first. She wanted her family to be safe. They could decide on something like this later in their lives. Just because Clarke wanted it now did not mean that it was a good idea. </p><p>She <em>wanted</em> Lexa right now but that was also not a good idea.</p><p>”I haven’t found anything on Ontari yet,” Raven said from her special seat cushion. </p><p>The workout the day before had obviously caused Raven to be sore but Anya was, mercifully, not mentioning it.</p><p>”I wonder who she has helping her with computer stuff,” Clarke said. “Monty wouldn’t help her. Plus, he and Nathan are living on some uncharted island apparently. He won’t even give me a way to contact him.” </p><p>”Then how do you know he’s on an island?” Lincoln asked. </p><p>”Because he returned my owl,” she said. </p><p>Just before Lincoln could argue, someone knocked on the door. Clarke smiled at him, teasing him, before going to open it. </p><p>”Hi, Clarke,” Roan said, nodding politely. “Thanks for inviting me over.” </p><p>”You’re... you’re always welcome here, Roan,” she returned. </p><p>Clarke heard Anya suck in a sharp breath and whisper, “That had to of hurt.”</p><p>Lexa smacked her again before making her way over to him. Once his coat was off, Lexa threw it with the rest of them. It reminded Clarke too much of the coat Nia used to wear. Her chest tightened with anxiety. <em>Again</em>.</p><p>Roan took everyone in who was now staring at him. His gaze lingered on Octavia and her stomach for a moment too long. Clarke moved between the two of them when she saw Lincoln practically growling at him. If it had been up to her, Octavia would not have been here right now. The mere suggestion of that had set the woman off about how she was just as capable and strong and able to protect herself as before. Lincoln had <em>almost</em> protested but thought better of it. </p><p>But that was earlier and Clarke wondered if Lincoln regretted not speaking up.</p><p>They all needed this night to go well. </p><hr/><p>"So, basically," Anya said over her plate. "Ontari is using Nia's contacts to kill the people Nia had plans to kill or the people who she hated? Does Ontari think she's become Nia or something?"</p><p>Roan sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "I don't know," he said. "But she's picking up where Nia left off. Which means..."</p><p>"I'm on her list," Lexa said as she stood. She went around the table and took their dirty plates to the sink.</p><p>Clarke watched her carefully, trying to gauge what she was thinking. She did not seem scared which was good. She did not seem happy either which was to be expected.</p><p>"You're like number one on her list then," Raven said. </p><p>Clarke shot her a glare. She stepped close to Lexa and put her hand over the other woman's on the counter top. "We'll take care of her," Clarke promised. "Surely Roan and all of us can take her on. I mean, we had less man power when we killed Nia."</p><p>"I don't want to kill Ontari," Lexa said. </p><p>Everyone turned to look at her. Even Roan looked confused. </p><p>"Then I'll do it," Anya said, standing. "I'll head up to Maine tomorrow and-"</p><p>"No," Lexa interrupted. "I don't want Ontari to die. I don't want anyone to kill her. I want to convince her that she should stop."</p><p>"And when that doesn't work?" Anya asked, trying to keep her tone even.</p><p>"We'll make it work," she replied. "Ontari moved in with us when she was only five. Nia's practically raised her to be a killing machine. At least we had a chance, An."</p><p>"She raised me my whole life and I still knew it was wrong," Roan argued.</p><p>Clarke, for once, found herself agreeing with Roan. She knew that killing Nia would change Lexa even before it happened. She had hoped that after she was dead, they would not have to kill again but that was proving to be untrue. Ontari would not stop until someone made her and Clarke had a bad feeling about it.</p><p>"We can always try," Clarke said. "We can try to convince her that she's wrong and then... if that doesn't work, I'll do it."</p><p>Much to her surprise, no one argued with that. Roan accepted the plan with a nod and Lexa only turned to go back to the kitchen table. She took in a deep, calming breath and followed.</p><hr/><p>Clarke put her feet up on the coffee table after grabbing the remote. Lexa was out on a run, which always lasted a while, so she decided to go over to Raven and Anya's instead of being alone. </p><p>"Don't you dare change the channel!" Raven shouted from the bathroom. "I'm waiting to see the stocks."</p><p>Clarke groaned at that and let her head fall back. She stared at the couch as the cushions dipped with her friend's weight. "Do you think it's weird that Lexa was so ready to let me kill Ontari?" she asked.</p><p>"No," she said. </p><p>"Why?" Clarke asked.</p><p>"Because she loves Ontari," Raven answered. "And Anya does, too. In her own way."</p><p>"What?" Clarke asked, surprised. "They do not love Ontari. She's evil."</p><p>"That is exactly why you are the only one who can do it," she said.</p><p>Clarke was very confused. She was about to continue when a bunch of numbers flashed across the screen that Raven had been waiting for. She wrote some things down on a piece of paper until they were gone again.</p><p>"Let me explain something that Lexa probably never has," Raven said, tossing the pad on the coffee table. "Being a foster kid is hard. Ontari doesn't even know who her real parents are. She lived in an orphanage until Nia took her in. Lexa and Anya feel bad for her. They love her in some odd way. They used to sneak her food and stuff when they were old enough. Just like Roan did for them."</p><p>Lexa never really talked about her time with Nia before it all started but Clarke had never asked either. She was too busy hating Nia to be eager to know more about her. There seemed to be a lot that Clarke still did not know about Lexa.</p><hr/><p>"Clarke, I'm all sweaty," Lexa whined.</p><p>Clarke had hugged Lexa as soon as the woman returned. After her conversation with Raven, she was feeling particularly sentimental towards her fiancee. </p><p>"I don't care," she said. "Let's shower together. I'll wash your hair and then I'll braid it the way you like. Then we can watch a movie in bed or something."</p><p>"Are you feeling okay?" Lexa asked, reaching forward to check her forehead temperature.</p><p>Clarke pushed her hand away with a smile. "I'm fine," she said. "I was just over at O's and we were talking about you."</p><p>"About little old me?" she asked, touching her chest in mock surprise and embarrassment. Lexa walked into the hallway bathroom to splash water on her face. "What about me?"</p><p>"Just about you being in foster care and stuff," she said. "She was telling me about Roan sneaking you food which made me like him a lot more, by the way."</p><p>Lexa froze for a second as she wiped her face off with a towel. She looked at Clarke in the mirror where she sat on the closed toilet seat. "Why was she telling you about that?" Lexa asked.</p><p>"She was explaining to me why you loved Ontari," Clarke explained.</p><p>"I do not love Ontari," she said. Her body was tense now as she started the shower. "I don't even like Ontari."</p><p>"Lex," Clarke said. "You feel something for Ontari. Whatever it is... you both grew up together. You helped each other. She's really like your baby sister."</p><p>"Clarke, stop," Lexa said firmly. "I do not love Ontari and I don't want to talk about anything else."</p><p>"I had no idea Nia used to starve you," Clarke said. </p><p>"I said I don't want to talk about it, Clarke," she said. "Close the door behind yourself on the way out."</p><p>Clarke frowned slightly. "I thought we were going to shower together," she said.</p><p>"Go back to Raven and let her tell you more of my traumatizing childhood stories," Lexa said. It only confirmed what Clarke thought. She was mad at her. </p><p>"I didn't mean to... pry," she said. "I was just trying to understand why you wanted me to kill her if your plan doesn't work."</p><p>"I don't want you to kill anyone!" Lexa said, louder now. "I don't want you to kill Ontari! I don't want you to kill anyone ever again! Okay?! Dammit, are you really that fucking trigger happy?! Do you really miss killing that bad?!"</p><p>Clarke could only stare at her, blinking. She had no idea what had set Lexa off like this but she refused to stand here and listen to it. She closed the bathroom door and stood there for a moment, hearing the words over and over again.</p><p>"Don't come to the bedroom tonight!" Clarke said through the door.</p><p>"Didn't plan on it!" Lexa replied from the shower. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4 - January 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke expected Lexa to show up in their bedroom that night despite the woman banning her. They had fought like this before but the other would always weasel their way into the bed with an apology and make-up sex.The system had worked for them thus far.</p>
<p>When the clock read three am and Lexa was still being stubborn, Clarke sat up. She swallowed down whatever pride she had left from their fight. Lexa was still wrong for what she said but Clarke could not sleep. She refused to admit that she had become codependent. </p>
<p>She stood from their bed and started for the door. Clarke secretly hoped that Lexa was lying awake too. Maybe they would just see each other and things would be okay again. Clarke would climb on Lexa in the guest bed and they may cry to each other for a bit. </p>
<p>Clarke just wanted the other woman to know that she <em>could not live without her</em>.</p>
<p>Instead of finding Lexa's head on the pillow, there was a note. </p>
<p>
  <em>Should be back tomorrow night. Going to find O. Don't follow -L</em>
</p>
<p>Clarke's anger at her for leaving without saying anything took second place to the fear. Lexa would not have left a note if she were going over to Octavia and Lincoln's. There was only one other O she could think of. </p>
<p>Ontari.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"She said in the note to not follow her, Clarke," Raven said, yawning. She stretched as she walked across the living room. As soon as she entered the apartment, Raven had woken as if she knew Clarke would show up. </p>
<p>"So I'm supposed to just sit around and wait for her to come back?" Clarke asked, annoyed. She motioned toward Raven's laptop on the table. "Do the tracking things you do. Find out where she is."</p>
<p>"I won't," Raven said.</p>
<p>Clarke stared at her for a moment, in shock, as if the woman had suddenly lost her mind. "What do you mean? I need you to find her," she said even louder now. "Where is Anya? Get her in here. There's no way Anya is going to let her go alone. Anya!"</p>
<p>"Don't bother Anya," Raven said, stepping in front of her and their bedroom door. "She's tired."</p>
<p>"So am I!" she argued. "And her sister is missing!"</p>
<p>"Clarke! Get a grip," Raven said, grabbing the blonde's shoulders to steady her. "Lexa can handle herself. If she left, then she obviously thinks things are going to be fine."</p>
<p>"Oh, just like she thought things would be fine when she killed Nia?" Clarke asked. She was angrier now but it was out of fear. "Anya!"</p>
<p>"Stop yelling, Clarke," she said. "Go home and sleep. You can wake up and work out and then Lexa will be back."</p>
<p>Clarke pushed Raven out of the way and threw open their bedroom door. The bed was empty. Anya was not in their apartment. </p>
<p>"Raven," she started, practically growling. Clarke turned to glare at her. "Anya is with her? You let them go? You didn't try to stop them?!"</p>
<p>"Of course I did," she said, sitting. "My brace..." Raven motioned toward the brace in her hand before starting to put it on. Clarke had not even noticed it was not on before now. "They were gone before I could put it on."</p>
<p>Clarke frowned. "I'm sorry," she said. "Obviously they... didn't want us to go. When did we become the wives?"</p>
<p>Raven laughed as she strapped each piece of her brace. "Anya made me promise not to track them," she said. "Something about signals... I don't know. It made sense when Anya said it earlier. Lexa woke us up a few hours ago."</p>
<p>"I didn't hear her leave the apartment," Clarke said. She sat on the couch and rubbed at her face. "What do we do now?"</p>
<p>Raven stood and grabbed her laptop from the kitchen table. She started for the bedroom. "We can trace them and then we can take a nap while we wait for them to get back," she said. </p>
<p>After following her to the bedroom, Clarke got comfortable on Anya's side of the bed as the woman booted up her computer.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa watched Ontari through the scope of her rifle. Actually, this was Clarke's rifle. She had "accidentally" grabbed the wrong one on the way out of the apartment. Now though, it was hours later and the sun was finally up. Ontari seemed to never sleep.</p>
<p>They sat back to wait when she went inside another building. Surely, she was in the midst of some kind of deal.</p>
<p>"By the way, thanks for telling Raven all about our terrible childhoods," Lexa said to her sister. </p>
<p>"What do you mean?" she asked. Anya bit into the apple she brought along and chewed as she watched her.</p>
<p>"Raven told Clarke all about Roan bringing us food and stuff," she said. "Clarke brought it up last night."</p>
<p>"You never told her?" Anya asked, surprised. "I wasn't aware it was a secret, Lex."</p>
<p>Lexa rolled her eyes at that but, for the first time, she realized she may have overreacted just a bit. "It's not like we're... fucked up or something because of our childhoods," she said, rolling her eyes. </p>
<p>Anya glanced down at the rifle in her sister's lap and then back at her face. "I would have to disagree with you there, Lexie," she said. "I think I realized we were fucked up after I killed more people than the average army sniper."</p>
<p>"I would rather Clarke not pity me," she said.</p>
<p>"You think Clarke pities you?" Anya asked. "Does Raven pity me? I told her everything about our childhood."</p>
<p>"Raven isn't like Clarke," Lexa said. "Raven had a doctorate before she was twenty. Raven started living on her own when she was ten."</p>
<p>"Hell, I should pity <em>her</em>," Anya said. "But I don't because we respect each other. Everything either of us went through made us who we are now. Cynical. Hilarious. Good together. Like you and Clarke. Raven told me something once about all of our experiences leading us to meet. Kind of sweet. Think of it that way."</p>
<p>Ontari came back out of the building, followed by the two bodyguards she had, and one of them was now carrying a box. They had no way of knowing what was inside of it unless they made contact with Ontari. Neither of them were excited to do that. Making contact with Ontari would make her suspicious of them.</p>
<p>Neither of them had a good reason to make contact with her yet.</p>
<p>Lexa watched a van stop in front of them and someone reached out to take the box from the large man behind Ontari. She spotted the man in the front seat. A black, older man was driving but he was the only person she could see until another man stepped out of the van to talk to the three of them down below.</p>
<p>It took her a moment to figure out who he was, having seen him only a few times when she was still living with Nia.</p>
<p>"Jaha," Lexa mumbled. "<em>Fuck</em>."</p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke was making homemade soup when Lexa finally decided to come home. After knowing her fiancee was okay, only thanks to Raven, she returned home instead of staying there. </p>
<p>She did not look over when Lexa walked inside. The woman put her jacket and backpack down before acknowledging Clarke was even there. Once done with those tasks, she pulled herself up on the counter and grabbed one of the biscuits Clarke had already made.</p>
<p>"I'm not really sure what to say," Lexa admitted. "I... I'm sorry."</p>
<p>"For what?" Clarke asked. She turned to Lexa and leaned against the opposite counter top. </p>
<p>"For leaving, I guess?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>Clarke folded her arms over her chest. She was doing her best to not lash out. Her stare must have been enough because Lexa grew nervous as she watched.</p>
<p>"What?" she asked. "What am I sorry for?"</p>
<p>"For saying what you said last night," Clarke said. "About me being trigger happy. About me missing killing people."</p>
<p>Lexa rubbed her tired eyes. Clarke could tell the woman had not slept since the day before. "I don't feel that way," she said. "I was upset. Of course I know that you don't want to kill anyone."</p>
<p>Clarke seemed to accept that. She nodded and turned back to the pot on the stove. Her stirring was less intense now. Lexa jumped down and wrapped her arms around the woman from behind.</p>
<p>"I don't like broccoli cheddar soup," Lexa said. She was surprised Clarke had seemed to forget that.</p>
<p>"That's why I made it," Clarke said.</p>
<p>She rolled her eyes when Lexa started pouting into her shoulder. Clarke's heart melted and she knew they were back to normal.</p>
<p>"I have orange chicken in the fridge," Clarke said.</p>
<p>"Wow, I love you," she said as she went to grab it.</p>
<p>They put talking about Ontari off until they were in bed that night. Lexa told her everything she could remember and did her best to explain who Jaha was to Nia. He was a drug dealer. He was a killer. Lexa suspected he worked with gangs and mafia-type people. </p>
<p>"He has a son," Lexa said. "Wells, I think. Jaha tries to keep him away from his business. I'm just really, really scared that Ontari is trying to get <em>Red</em> back on the market. Jaha was the distributor when Cage was still around. Jaha is the one who always gave it to Nia for us."</p>
<p>"So, Tsing made it, Cage funded it, Jaha distributed it on the black market, and Nia killed people for it," Clarke said, trying her best to keep up and connect all the dots.</p>
<p>"Exactly," Lexa said. </p>
<p>She moved to straddle Clarke's legs. Lexa grinned down at the blonde under her whose cheeks were flushed. For awhile, they forgot about all of their problems. It was just them, making up for their fight the day before, and Clarke was happy. She was relieved they seemed to be back to normal.</p>
<p>Thunder rumbled outside their window and it felt like a sign. <em>Something was brewing.</em></p>
<p>After, Clarke thought Lexa was asleep until she heard her whisper, "You know we'll have to stop her, right?"</p>
<p>"Yes, honey," she replied before cuddling her from behind. "We'll start tomorrow."</p>
<p>Another crack of thunder startled Lexa, so Clarke held her tighter. "Love you," she whispered.</p>
<p>"I love you too," Lexa replied.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5 - January 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I am <em>very</em> confused," Clarke admitted.</p>
<p>Everyone abruptly stopped talking around her. Lexa was pacing around the living room, Raven was doing something on her computer like always, Anya was eating and talking louder than everyone, and Lincoln was acting as Octavia's pillow. How the woman could sleep with all of them shouting around her was unbelievable. </p>
<p>They had been at this for hours. Lexa and Clarke had woken to the sounds of people entering their apartment that morning. Apparently, they had picked up the other couple on the way. </p>
<p>"Wells has a thing for blondes," Anya said as she chewed.</p>
<p>"Yeah, well so do I," Lexa said. "This is a very stupid plan. There is absolutely no way he would fall for that."</p>
<p>"He definitely will fall for it," Anya replied. "As long as blondie makes it believable."</p>
<p>Clarke stared at the two of them as if they all had two heads. She could not even begin to comprehend what they were suggesting. It did not make sense.</p>
<p>"You're suggesting that I casually run into Wells and do what? Seduce him?" Clarke asked.</p>
<p>"Do whatever you want but we need him to give us some details about his dad," Anya said. She threw her wadded paper toilet into the trash from across the room. </p>
<p>Lexa was staring at her sister with anger in her eyes. No one could think of a better plan. They had tried for awhile. Lexa had suggested she, herself, find Wells but they could not risk him knowing her and telling his dad. Wells was not involved with his father's business at all. In fact, Wells had apparently become a successful doctor. </p>
<p>"He goes to a specific coffee shop before work every day," Raven said. "We can set her up there. Maybe she can bump into him or something."</p>
<p>"Sounds like the start of a Hallmark movie," Anya said. "That will work."</p>
<p>"You two have officially lost it," Lexa said. "This is insane. I'm not sending my girlfriend in to flirt with another guy for information. We'll think of something else."</p>
<p>"We haven't yet," Anya said.</p>
<p>"And you won't have to send your girlfriend in," Octavia grumbled as she woke, her head still laying on Lincoln's lap. "Because she's your fiancee."</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Why are you so freaked out, Lexa?" Clarke asked. "My mom was a surgeon, so I spent a lot of nights listening to fairy tales about princess who survived heart transplants and princes who broke bones from falling off their horses."</p>
<p>"That's not why I'm freaked out," she said. "I don't exactly like the idea of you flirting with someone else."</p>
<p>"Lex, I'm not going to <em>enjoy</em> flirting with him," Clarke said. "Plus, I don't plan on flirting at all. I'll just talk to him. Maybe we can just be friends."</p>
<p>Lexa sighed and shook her head. She obviously did not believe that. "Hate to break it to you, my love," Lexa started. "But you're just so fucking gorgeous that no one can resist."</p>
<p>Clarke was thrown off balance by the statement. It was not often that Lexa said something so openly romantic and mushy and sexy. If she did, it was usually in the bedroom. Lexa was a romantic person but in more subtle ways. Clarke was more likely to use words to express her feelings while Lexa usually showed her affection through actions.</p>
<p>"If you don't want me to do it, then I won't," Clarke said, looking at her in the bathroom mirror. </p>
<p>"I don't want you to," she replied. "But it will work and maybe that's why you should. Anya's right."</p>
<p>They both finished getting ready for bed and laid down at the same time. Neither of them had the mental energy to do more than hold hands and lay together but Clarke appreciated it more than she would admit. She could feel Lexa's eyes on the side of her face as they both lay on their backs. Clarke ran her thumb over the back of Lexa's hands to silently tell her she noticed.</p>
<p>"Tomorrow would have been my mom's sixtieth birthday," Clarke said softly.</p>
<p>Thankfully, Lexa did not speak or move immediately. She sighed softly after awhile. "I'm sorry," she whispered.</p>
<p>"It's okay," she said. "That's not why I told you. I've just been thinking about stuff lately..."</p>
<p>The other woman turned on her side. She placed her arm over Clarke's stomach just to tell the woman she was there. It was comforting but it also made Clarke's heart ache with anxiety.</p>
<p>"Maybe we shouldn't have kids," Clarke said. "It's so stupid to even think we could. Or that we should."</p>
<p>That was not at all what Lexa was expecting her to say. She knew how much Clarke loved babies and kids in general. Clarke would say subtle things about their future family all the time. </p>
<p>"Why do you feel that way?" Lexa asked. Her tone did not suggest she was sad or angry.</p>
<p>"Lexa, come on," Clarke said. "Look at our lives. Look at everything we've done. How can we even...?"</p>
<p>"You're saying that we don't deserve it?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Do you think we do?" Clarke asked. "I mean, be honest. We would be raising our kids on money we got from killing people or money we stole."</p>
<p>Neither of them spoke for awhile. Lexa wished so badly that she could lie and tell Clarke that they did deserve it. In her own opinion, she felt that Clarke deserved anything and everything that she wanted but her realistic side knew that an outsider would not see it that way.</p>
<p>"When my mom got sick, I promised her that I would do something good with my life," Clarke said. "She was so worried about me growing up without a mother and she knew my dad wouldn't get married again. She taught me how to be a good mom. She worked a lot but... she was the best mom. I could never be that for my own kid. I can't break that promise to her. I can't do that to a kid. It's not fair to anyone. It would be a selfish choice."</p>
<p>"Clarke..." Lexa said. She wanted to make everything okay for her but there was nothing Lexa could do to change their pasts. "It's not selfish for you to have the life you want. Your mom would not hate you."</p>
<p>"Yes, she would," she replied. "My mom healed people. She saved people. I killed them."</p>
<p>"So... you don't think that Lincoln and Octavia will make good parents?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>"Of course I do," she immediately replied.</p>
<p>"What's the difference in them and us?" Lexa asked.</p>
<p>Clarke did not have the answer to that. There <em>was</em> a difference but Clarke just could not put it into words. She turned on her side, away from Lexa, and set her phone alarm. She did not turn back around to face her.</p>
<p>The other woman just turned, placed a comforting hand on Clarke's back, and closed her eyes to sleep.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke watched the man enter the coffee shop who matched the pictures Raven had sent a few days before. It felt so familiar to when she worked for Nia. After the conversation with Lexa last night, she felt even more sensitive to that. </p>
<p>The decision she made last night made even more sense now that she had slept on it and now that Lexa knew what she was thinking. As sad as it made her feel, Clarke knew it was for the best.</p>
<p>She stood and went to get in line behind him. As soon as her body hit his from her fake fall and they made eye contact, Clarke knew their plan would work.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek as she watched the two of them from the screen of Raven's computer. The woman had hacked into the security camera system so they could all see what was happening. </p>
<p>Clarke and Wells were now sitting across the table from each other and talking quietly as they saw on the monitor. </p>
<p>"He's definitely in to her," Anya said. </p>
<p>They all saw Wells' hand reach out to touch Clarke's hand for just a moment. Not even a minute later, he was standing. Clarke's smile at him was genuine, Lexa noticed. It made her chest ache and tighten.</p>
<p>The conversation from the night before flooded her mind now. It would be so much easier for Clarke to have a baby with a man, she knew. It could happen accidentally with Wells the way it could never happen with the two of them. </p>
<p><em>Clarke does not want Wells</em>, Lexa told herself.</p>
<p>Anya noticed the way her sister was watching Clarke. Something about it reminded her of the way Lexa looked when she found out about Jake.</p>
<p>"Did you tell her to come here?" Anya asked. "She's leaving now, so you could probably meet her at home if not."</p>
<p>"No," Lexa replied. "I'll grab food on the way and meet her there later."</p>
<p>"Are you two fighting or something?" Anya asked.</p>
<p>"No," Lexa said honestly. </p>
<p>When Lexa got home later, Clarke was watching a movie on the couch. Lexa laid the bag of food beside her on the couch. </p>
<p>"Hey," Clarke said. "Things went well today."</p>
<p>"Yeah, we were watching," Lexa said. "Looks like things worked out perfectly. That's good. Did he say anything about seeing you again?"</p>
<p>"Yeah," Clarke said. "On Friday. He asked me if I wanted to go to dinner."</p>
<p>"Huh, that's good," Lexa replied. She ignoring the stinging feeling in her eyes. "I obviously want someone to drive you. I'll ask Lincoln to take you in case it's a set up."</p>
<p>"You're upset," Clarke said, keeping her eyes on the TV. </p>
<p>"It just sucks that you have to date someone else in order for us to help Roan," she said. "Really we are helping Ontari. She doesn't even deserve it."</p>
<p>"Ontari doesn't fully understand what she's getting herself into," Clarke said. "It's not like we have anything else to do."</p>
<p>Lexa rolled her eyes as she closed the refrigerator door. She handed Clarke a bottle of the lemonade she liked on her way to the bedroom. "It's just our lives," she called over her shoulder. "Sorry I'm not a doctor, babe."</p>
<p>"Lexa, would you stop?" Clarke called, standing up to follow her. "You're mad about Wells and you're taking it out on me."</p>
<p>"No, you're upset about your mom and you're taking it out on me," Lexa said.</p>
<p>"I am not, Lexa," Clarke said. "My mom has been gone for a long time. Almost fifteen years now. I miss her, yes, but it doesn't make me upset like that anymore."</p>
<p>"That's bullshit," she replied. "My mom's been dead since I was three and I'm still upset about it every day."</p>
<p>Clarke sighed and rubbed her face in frustration. She was not in the mood to fight with Lexa today. There was already too much to worry about.</p>
<p>"Look... can we just... not talk about it anymore?" Clarke asked. "We're both upset. I planned on going to meet O at the gym anyway. Maybe we need some space."</p>
<p>"Fine," Lexa said, a bit angry now. "Do whatever you want."</p>
<hr/>
<p>As Clarke worked out that evening, she was sad and frustrated with everything. Octavia could tell she was upset. She was not fully aware of the true reasons she was upset anyway. There was so much going on in their lives on top of everything going on inside of themselves.</p>
<p>"Can I stay with you and Linc tonight?" she asked as Octavia watched her stretch after her long workout. She felt bad for taking up so much of the woman's time but Octavia did not complain the least bit.</p>
<p>"No," Octavia said. "I'm not in the mood to be on your girl's hit list."</p>
<p>Clarke rolled her eyes at that. She knew Lexa would not get mad at Octavia but she would get more mad at Clarke. Maybe that's why she asked. Maybe she wanted to punish Lexa. The woman did not deserve that.</p>
<p>Octavia was staring over her shoulder and Clarke turned back to look at who she was looking at. Surprisingly, Lexa stood there with flowers in her hand. In the bouquet, there was a small balloon with the words 'Happy Birthday' on it.</p>
<p>She stood and walked over to Lexa, holding back her tears. "You didn't have to do that," Clarke said. </p>
<p>"Yes, I did," Lexa replied. "It's your mom's birthday. If she were alive... your dad would be taking her out to dinner or something, so I figured we could go out for them. You can tell me about them."</p>
<p>Clarke felt a rush of relief and finally her tears fell. The real reason she had been upset came to her realization. She had been mad at Lexa for her dad all over again. She was, unfairly, mad at Lexa for taking her parents away but Lexa had not taken her parents away. It was not Lexa's fault her mother had gotten sick or that her father got mixed up in Nia's stuff or that Clarke had become an assassin to survive. It was not right for Clarke to blame Lexa for any of that.</p>
<p>"I love you," Clarke said. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier. <em>You</em> are my life."</p>
<p>"And you are mine," Lexa replied. "Go shower. I'll be here when you're done."</p>
<p>"Okay," she said. Clarke thanked Octavia before heading for the locker rooms to get ready.</p>
<p>As she got ready for their date, Clarke realized just how true her words were.</p>
<p>
  <em>Lexa was her entire world.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6 - February 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke had been staring at the ring on her finger for a few minutes now, twisting it around her finger and watching it sparkle in the sunlight coming in from the window. She was completely dreading removing it. Lexa walked into the bathroom as soon as she did.</p><p>"You're taking your ring off," she said softly.</p><p>"Yes," Clarke replied. "I don't think it's the best choice to go out with Wells with it on. That sounded really bad."</p><p>"It did," Lexa said. "But it's not a real date. It's just something we have to do in order to get past this part of our lives. Think of it that way instead."</p><p>Clarke nodded in agreement. It was a much better way to view this all than seeing it as a date with a man when she was engaged to a woman. "You'll take care of this for me, right?" she asked, placing the ring in Lexa's palm.</p><p>"I did for twenty-seven years before you got it," she said with a smile. "I know it's your favorite thing. I promise to keep it safe."</p><p>Clarke stood to kiss her. "You're my favorite thing," she said. "But yes, I love my ring, too."</p><p>Lexa slid the ring onto her own finger and grabbed a bag from the bed that Clarke had not noticed. She pulled out a big jewelry box. "I got you something," she said. </p><p>"You did?" she asked, surprised.</p><p>The box opened to reveal a necklace with a delicate, gold chain and a light pink diamond hanging from it. It was absolutely beautiful and Clarke hoped her speechlessness showed that.</p><p>"I know tonight is going to be uncomfortable for you," Lexa said, taking it from the box. She moved Clarke's hair to the side and clasped it around her neck. "I just wanted you to have something to remind you of me. Honestly, I forgot you would have to take your ring off anyway, so it's good I got this."</p><p>"I love it, Lex," she said. "Thank you." </p><p>She wrapped her arms around the taller woman's neck and kissed her. As uncomfortable as the night was going to be, she had to remember that she would be coming home to Lexa when it was over. All she had to do was get a few answers from Wells and then it would be over. The only thing that scared her was <em>his</em> expectations of the night. </p><p>Lexa walked her to Lincoln's car and opened the door for her. The baby's car seat in the back did not help her feel less nervous. They kissed once more before Lincoln drove her toward the restaurant. She knew they all had plans to watch the date at her own apartment and the thought made her hands sweat.</p><p>"Thanks's Linc," she said before getting out. </p><p>Wells was waiting for her at the door. She took a deep, calming breath as she approached him. The truth was that she liked Wells. He was nice and friendly and she related to his experience in medicine through her mom's experiences. If it were under other circumstances, they would be good friends. </p><p>"Hi," he said with a grin, moving forward to kiss her cheek. His hand touched her side and she flinched away from it slightly.</p><p>"Hi," she replied as he led them inside. </p><hr/><p>"You know, I saw this really great article about a drug that was compared to heroin," Clarke said. "I can't remember the name of it though."</p><p>Clarke found it incredibly easy to talk to him about medical things. She had not told him about her mom being a doctor but just said that her family was known for being in medicine which was true. Even her dad dealt with medicine when he was alive, clearly.</p><p>"I have heard of something like that," Wells said. He sipped his wine between. "It's street name is <em>Red</em>, I believe. We call it kongeda."</p><p>"That's it," Clarke said. "Yes, they called it both in the article. I had not even heard of it before I read that."</p><p>"It's... it's a pretty intense drug," Wells said. Clarke could tell he was nervous to be talking about it. Obviously, he knew that his father was one of the biggest reasons it was on the street now. </p><p>"Where is it coming from?" Clarke asked.</p><p>"Here," Wells said. "It started here and it's coming from here."</p><p>"Oh, wow," Clarke said. "I had no idea."</p><p>Clarke wanted to ask him a million questions now that they had opened up the topic but she did not want him to become suspicious of her. Bringing it up later would be worse though.</p><p>"Have the police tried to stop it?" Clarke asked.</p><p>"Not really," he said. "It isn't big enough to be on their radar yet. By time it is, it'll be too late for them to stop it. It's too addicting and so cheap to make."</p><p>"How do you know all of that?" she asked.</p><p>Wells immediately got nervous. He chewed on the inside of his cheek and downed the rest of his wine before replying, "I've just seen a lot. I... It'll make me sound shitty if I tell you that my dad..."</p><p>Clarke was about to scream at him to finish. She wanted to hear the words to know for sure that his father was involved.</p><p>"My dad killed one of the biggest distributors of the drug," Wells finally finished.</p><p>"<em>What?</em>" Clarke asked loudly, in shock.</p><hr/><p>"<em>What?</em>" Raven, Anya, and Octavia shouted at the computer screen.</p><hr/><p>"I should not have said that," Wells said, rubbing his eyes. He was obviously more terrified now.</p><p>"No, no, it's okay," Clarke said, reaching forward to touch his hand. "I won't tell anyone. How do you know? Was he arrested?"</p><p>"Oh, no," he replied. "He's... he's kind of involved in black market stuff. Apparently, this woman he knew just got out of control and he had to kill her before she killed a bunch of people."</p><p>Clarke could tell Wells was telling the truth. It was his father who had lied to him about everything. Wells probably had no idea what his father really did. He did not know his father at all. The fact that Thelonious was taking credit for Lexa's kill made Clarke angry.</p><p>"Oh," Clarke said. She tried to act like a normal person would react to finding this information out. Death and murder had been apart of her life for so long that she was not sure how a normal person should react. </p><p>"He... he's not the greatest guy," he went on. "I don't really have a relationship with him. I prefer him to stay out of my life. He's involved in things I don't want to be involved in."</p><p>"Like Red?" Clarke asked.</p><p>"Yes," he admitted. "I would be terminated if someone found out about my ties to it. The medical world is getting very nervous about the drug. I really don't want anyone to know that my father is doing more to keep it on the street than get it off."</p><hr/><p>That was all the confirmation Lexa needed. Jaha was directly involved in distributing Red which meant Ontari was now involved. She looked over at Octavia. She looked down at her belly. It was impossible now to pass it off as anything but a pregnancy. </p><p>"I don't want you involved in this, O," she said. "Clarke's worried about someone hurting you. I'm not going to risk that. I think you should find some place to stay until all of this quiets down."</p><p>Raven and Anya looked between the two of them. They felt the same way but knew Octavia would not.</p><p>"I'll be fine," Octavia said.</p><p>"I know you will be," she said. "But I'm not going to risk hurting your baby. Clarke would never, ever get over it."</p><p>"I'm not staying out of it," she said. "You need my help and I can handle myself. Lincoln can just stay with me all the time."</p><p>"He's not with you now," Lexa said.</p><p>"Because you needed him to guard Clarke!" she said, angrily. She was defensive because she felt like they did not want her around or trust her to protect her child. "I'm not going anywhere. You better not leave me out of things either or I won't ever let you watch the kid."</p><p>That did not bother Lexa as much as Octavia hoped.</p><p>"I won't let Clarke watch her either," Octavia added.</p><p>Lexa groaned. "Fine," she said. "I surrender. Just be extra careful, please."</p><p>"<em>Her</em>?" Raven asked.</p><p>Octavia smiled at her slip-up. "Yes, we are having a girl," she said. </p><hr/><p>Clarke walked into the apartment behind Lincoln. Everyone was on the couch, watching some TV show, but mostly talking about what they needed to do next. She sat down beside Lexa and put her hand on the woman's leg. Lexa leaned over and kissed her cheek. She wrinkled her nose.</p><p>"You smell like cologne," Lexa complained.</p><p>"Sorry, honey," she said. "At least I won't have to go out with him anymore. Now that we know Ontari is involved."</p><p>Lexa seemed relieved and Clarke just really hoped she would not have to see him again. She reached over for Lexa's hand, slid the ring off, and place it on her own finger again. </p><p>"O's having a girl," Anya said offhandedly as she skimmed something on Raven's laptop without even looking up.</p><p>Clarke gasped, happily, and hugged her best friend. She put her hand on the woman's stomach. "A little baby girl?" she asked with tears in her eyes. </p><p>As the two of them celebrated in their own little way, Lexa watched the way Clarke seemed so happy. Her chest felt like it was being sat on. She knew that whatever Clarke pretended to feel about their future, a kid was something she wanted desperately. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7 - February 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I like this crib," Clarke said as she ran her fingers over the white wood. </p><p>"I like that one, too," Octavia agreed when she caught up.</p><p>"I think this will look so cute with the peachy color scheme you have," Clarke added.</p><p>They had decided to go out and look for some baby stuff while Lincoln worked out. Normally, Clarke would be there with him but changed her mind when she heard Octavia mention a baby store. Lexa, Anya, and Raven were so focused on Ontari that Clarke did not want Octavia to feel like her pregnancy wasn't important. It was the most important thing, besides Lexa, to Clarke anyway.</p><p>"What are they going to do?" Octavia asked as they strolled through the clothing section.</p><p>"I think they're going to try and talk to her now that they know she's doing stuff with Red," she replied. "I just... I worry about Lexa being around her. I don't want her to be. I'll probably be the one to go see her. I don't want Lexa around the drug either. She's... I definitely don't think she would use it but I'm not risking anything."</p><p>"Right," Octavia said. "I forgot about her addiction to it. Seems crazy now, knowing her and all."</p><p>"Tell me about it," Clarke said. She picked up a little dress and ran her fingers over the silky bottom. </p><p>"Do you think you and Lexa will ever have a little baby?" Octavia asked.</p><p>"Honestly?" Clarke asked as she put the dress back. She glanced at her friend. "I don't know. I would always worry. I don't think Lexa is too attached to the idea of kids. She only talks about it when I do. Maybe one day. Not anytime soon, that's for sure. I'll cuddle your little baby for now."</p><p>"Thank you, Clarke," Octavia said sincerely. She took the blonde's hand as they walked now. "You're the best aunt to her."</p><hr/><p>"Why is it always Clarke?" Lexa asked, groaning. "Why can't you go?"</p><p>Anya actually laughed at that. "Good one, Lex," she said. "Ontari hates me and you know that. She would never talk rationally with me. I told you that Raven volunteered."</p><p>"Why can't they both go?" Lexa asked. "Raven doesn't have enough combat experience to go by herself. I would go but I'm afraid she would just kill me on the spot without listening."</p><p>"Then it's decided," Raven said. "Clarke and I will go. We can tell her when she gets back."</p><hr/><p>Of course, Clarke had not argued when they decided for her that she should go in their place to talk with Ontari. She had known from the beginning that it would be her to go. What she had not expected was that Raven would be roped into this with her. She did not feel comfortable with that. Arguing with them would make Raven feel like an invalid which is not at all how she felt.</p><p>Clarke watched Raven and Anya embrace. It was not often that they had any physical affection with each other. If a person did not know they very closely, they would not believe that the two of them were together. Now though, Anya was kissing the other woman on the head and whispering into her hair. It was sweet but it was also heartbreaking. Anya was worried she would not see Raven again. Anya and Lexa both felt that way which made Clarke nervous.</p><p>"I'm driving," Clarke said, taking the keys from Lexa's hands. She stuck her tongue out at her fiancee as she walked around to the driver's seat. Before she could pull the door open, Lexa put her hand on it. She put a hand on either side of Clarke's body against the car.</p><p>"Promise me that you'll leave if you at all think something is wrong," she said. "You already know what to say but I need to hear you say that you will leave if you're scared about anything. Even if someone looks at you oddly. I want you to get Raven and leave."</p><p>"I promise, Lexa," Clarke said. Her chest constricted with anxiety. "I promise."</p><p>"I love you," she said, wrapping her arms around Clarke. "I'll see you tonight."</p><p>"I love you, too," Clarke said. She pulled away to kiss her. "I'll keep Raven safe. I would really rather Anya not kill me."</p><hr/><p>Clarke parked the car outside of house Ontari was apparently inside of. They only knew that from her new cell phone records Raven had traced on the way. She took a deep breath. "Ready?" she asked.</p><p>"Yes," Raven said.</p><p>Raven was out of the car before Clarke. The woman was obviously nervous but Clarke could see that she was excited to be on the front lines instead of behind a computer screen like she was used to.</p><p>But something was wrong. Before they could get ten feet from the car, four men came around the side of the house. Their arms were around the two of them before they could scream. She looked over at Raven and told her that she would be okay. A canvas bag was placed over both of their heads before they were dragged to another car and tied up. </p><p>"You're not the only one who knows how to trace a person," they heard Ontari say. </p><p>Ontari had known all along that they were coming to find her. Of course, this was a set-up.</p><p>
  <em>They had fallen right into her trap.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Anya was pacing the living room. It had been four hours since the two of them left and it was almost dark. The longer they went without hearing from Clarke or Raven, the more dread filled them.</p><p>"Something's wrong," Anya finally said. </p><p>Lexa stared at the cell phone on the dining room table. "Give her time," she said.</p><p>Anya stopped behind her sister and glared at the phone, too. "Ten more minutes," she said. "That's all I'm going to wait. Ten more."</p><p>"And then what?" Lexa asked, feeling her anger come out now. She could not tell if she was yelling or not. "Ten more minutes until what? You're going to drive to the house? They could be anywhere by now and they'll kill you the second you show up!"</p><p>"I knew I shouldn't have let her go!" Anya shouted. "You told me she would be fine with Clarke and now she could be dead!"</p><p>Lexa stood in front of her, feeling the urge to punch Anya in the face. She was practically growling at her sister now, "You wanted to send Clarke alone! I'm sorry you're scared but it's the both of them! Not just Raven! Clarke would never let anything happen to Raven! You know that, Anya."</p><p>"I don't know that!" Anya said. "She could be working with them for all I know! She could have fallen in love with Jaha and telling them everything!"</p><p>That was all Lexa could take. She reached out for Anya and just attacked. She felt Anya hitting her and Lexa hitting her back and they were shouting unintelligible things at each other just to hurt the other, physically and emotionally.</p><p>Not thirty seconds later, Lincoln pulled them apart. "What the fuck is going on?" he asked, throwing them on separate sides of the couch.</p><p>Octavia had stayed back when they came into the apartment to avoid being hurt by one of them accidentally. She stood in front of them with her arms crossed. <br/>"What happened?" she asked, knowingly. "What happened to Clarke and Raven?"</p><p>"We don't know," Anya said.</p><p>Lexa wiped her hand across her mouth and saw the blood on the back of it. She used her shirt to get as much as it off as possible. "They haven't called us," she explained. "It's been four hours."</p><p>"Okay," Lincoln said. "We'll find them, okay? Try to track the phone that was with them first."</p><p>Anya and Lexa both felt like idiots for not thinking of it. They were so used to Raven doing all of this for them. They booted up Raven's computer and saw the page was already up like Raven had left it for them. The relief they felt faded quickly when they saw the signal was now gone. That only happened when someone smashed the phone.</p><hr/><p>Clarke woke up feeling very, very cold. Someone had knocked her out in the van they were in. She was not sure were she was or how long she had been out. "Rae?" she asked, her voice cracking. </p><p>She felt around the dark space until her hands touched someone. She just prayed that it was Raven and that she was alive.</p><p>"Clarke?" Raven asked, touching the woman's hand now.</p><p>Relief washed through Clarke. She felt dizzy and her head was pounding but she managed to pull herself up to sit. She crawled to where Raven was laying. Her hand moved through a puddle of something wet and when she pulled her hand up close to her face to see what it was, the liquid was dark and thick. <em>Blood</em>.</p><p>"What's hurt, Rae?" she asked. "Let me see."</p><p>Raven turned her back to Clarke and showed her where the blood was coming from. Something was hurting on her back. "It just looks like a cut," she said. "I think it's stopped bleeding now."</p><p>"Where are we?" Raven asked.</p><p>"I don't know," Clarke said. "But... Anya and Lex will find us, okay? I promise that you'll be okay. They'll be here soon. Everything is going to be fine."</p><p>Clarke held Raven's hand for a long time until they felt calmer. They were both still terrified but they needed to have clear heads in order to think about what they should do.</p><p>As soon as they started to figure out what to do, someone entered the small, cold room. It felt like a basement somewhere. The man grabbed Clarke's hand roughly and started to pull her engagement ring off. </p><p>"No!" Clarke screamed. "No, please! Please!"</p><p>The guy hit her across the head which made her vision blur. The ring slipped off her finger after a few more tugs from him. Raven could not move towards them to help and Clarke knew her leg was worse now than it had been before. </p><p>Clarke was crying as he carried her ring out the door and locked them inside again. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes until it hurt. There was no replacement for Lexa's mother's ring but there was no replacement for Raven either. She needed to get Raven out of here alive no matter what.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8 - February 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa knew this was very bad. Anya knew it was bad, too, but they could not fight with each other again if they wanted to find Clarke and Raven. Anya blamed Lexa for Raven being gone, that much was obvious, but would have to be dealt with at another time. </p><p>Octavia and Lincoln had not left their apartment since finding out the girls were missing. Octavia had fallen asleep on the couch, trying so hard not to, but Lincoln was calling everyone he could think of to help. No one could find a signal for them. Monty could not be reached on the secret island he lived on now with Nathan. Lexa and Anya called hospitals in case they had been in a car accident or been dropped of there. </p><p>They hoped it was not Ontari would had hurt the two of them. They may never seen their girlfriends again if that were true. They lived with hope of finding them unscathed until there was a knock on the door. Anya ran but the person was already gone and a van was speeding off. On the step lay a small package. </p><p>Anya slipped it open without disturbing whatever may be in it too much. Her stomach hurt as she waited to see what it was. Instead of a body part like she half expected, it was a ring. <em>Clarke's engagement ring. </em></p><p>"Fuck," Anya mumbled. She did not even want to show Lexa. As angry as they were right now, they needed each other.</p><p>Lexa stared down at the ring in her sister's hand for a bit, too stunned to move. Her hands itched to hit someone, something, anything. She carefully reached out and took it from Anya's palm. Lexa slid it on her own finger once more. </p><p>"Well," Lexa croaked. "At least now we know she has them."</p><p>"And what if they are already...?" Anya started. Neither of them could even think the word.</p><p>"They aren't," Lexa said firmly. "We would feel it. I know they're not, Anya. They took her ring which means she's alive. If she wasn't, they would have sent her body. Ontari's fucking with is, okay? She wants us to go find her. If that's what she wants, then that's what I'll do. I'll go find them. You stay with O and Lincoln."</p><p>"No way am I staying behind," Anya argued. "If you're going, I am too. That's what sisters are for."</p><p>Lexa hugged her sister tight. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry but that would not help Clarke or Raven. </p><hr/><p>Clarke shivered as she lay on the concrete floor. There were no windows to tell her what time it was and her body ached from whatever they had done to her on the way here. Raven whimpered in her sleep every so often which broke her heart. Clarke could not sleep knowing someone could come in at any moment. </p><p>By now, Lexa knew she was gone. The thought of Lexa not knowing what happened to her or knowing she was alive made her ache. There was nothing she could do to let the woman know they were alive. For a moment, she wondered if thinking about her helped. Maybe Lexa could feel it somehow.</p><p>The hunger was making her a bit crazy. They had not eaten since arriving or had anything to drink. Lack of nutrition was making them both woozy. She had no idea how Raven had slept for so long. </p><p>When someone finally came into the room, she was so weak. She dragged herself over toward where Raven was waking slowly, weakly, and blocked her the best she could. She noticed the syringe in his hand as it came towards her. Reaching out to stop it felt impossible. She swiped at the man's legs but he did not move at all. All those years of training did not matter now. </p><p>The second the needle entered her arm, she knew what it was. Her arm felt like it was on fire for a second before it calmed again. She felt lightheaded but better. That was not a good sign. It was the drug doing it. They were giving her <em>Red</em>. </p><p>Clarke watched another needle enter Raven's leg before she passed out.</p><hr/><p>"I just... I have no idea where to start, An," Lexa admitted from the driver's seat of the car.</p><p>Anya had a computer on her lap but they had no idea what to do with it. Lincoln and Octavia followed in the car behind them. </p><p>"I know," Anya said, staring out of the windshield. They were both so angry and terrified that it was hard to think straight. Nia, at least, had a main headquarters. Ontari was a complete loose cannon. They stalked Jaha for a day but he did not go anywhere important or meet anyone that was involved with Ontari. </p><p>"Why would she send Clarke's ring if she didn't want us to find her?" Lexa asked. "There's something we're missing."</p><p>"I don't know, Lexa," Anya said, frustrated. "I will never forgive myself for doing this to Raven, you know? Even if we find them, I'll never forgive myself."</p><p>"You had no way of knowing this would happen," she said but she understood. Lexa felt the same way about Clarke. "We're going to find them."</p><p>Anya's phone dinged with a text. They had decided to keep the phones from before in case Clarke or Raven managed to contact them. It was a picture. Anya would know Raven's leg from a mile away and there was a needle in her leg. Anya realized they had taken Raven's brace off. </p><p>"I'm going to kill Ontari when we find her, Lexa," Anya said as she stared at the picture. "I'm serious. I'm going to fucking kill her."</p><hr/><p>Clarke's skin itched uncontrollably. The feeling reminded her of Octavia. The woman's stomach constantly itched as it stretched from her baby inside. Clarke had helped her put lotion on her belly more times than she could count right now.</p><p>She felt the urge to kill Octavia.</p><p>As soon as the thought entered her brain, she wanted to cry. Clarke knew this was the drug talking. She did not want to harm Octavia. She did not want to harm her baby but everything inside of her fought against it.</p><p>
  <em>I love my niece. I love Octavia. She has what you do not. You hate Octavia.</em>
</p><p>"No!" Clarke screamed aloud.</p><p>Raven startled at the sound from where she lay beside her. She could feel Raven shaking.</p><p>"Raven," Clarke said. "Don't listen to whatever it is you're thinking, okay? It's the drugs. It's not you. Anya's on her way, okay? She's coming to get you."</p><p>All Raven could do was nod. The thought of Anya gave her hope which was the only thing, most likely, keeping Raven alive right now. Raven could not move much without her brace anyway.</p><p>All they had to look forward to now was their next dose which Clarke knew was <em>not</em> a good thing.</p><hr/><p>Anya had recognized the liquid in the syringe immediately. Her thoughts went to bad places when she thought of the drug she had spent months addicted to but that was not why she was mad now. Recovery from the addiction was worse than the addiction itself. She remembered begging people for more. Raven would have to go through the same thing and that broke her heart.</p><p>"I don't know what you want me to do, Anya," Lexa said, rubbing at her eyes in frustration. "Ontari isn't Nia. She has no routines that we know of. Nia would have taken them for a reason. What reason does Ontari have? Pleasure? For fun?"</p><p>"You killed Nia and she's punishing us," Anya said, pointing her finger at Lexa. "And Raven is being punished because of what you did."</p><p>"I didn't hear either of you arguing when I told you about my plan," Lexa said. "In fact, if I recall correctly, you both were very happy about it."</p><p>"Don't say shit about Raven, Lexa," Anya argued. </p><p>"I'm not," she said. "But you're forgetting that Clarke is just as deep in this as Raven is."</p><p>"Clarke was involved in all this shit before you even came along!" she said. </p><p>Lincoln sighed from beside them. He had about given up on breaking up their fights now. It seemed like it just made them argue more and he could not risk the lashing out at Octavia right now. All this stress was not good for her but he was worried about what would happen if they did not find the two women. Octavia does not want to have their survive without Clarke. Octavia loved Lincoln more than anything, he knew, but she needed her sister, too.</p><p>"Do you really think that Clarke set Raven up?" Lexa finally asked. </p><p>"I don't... I don't know," Anya admitted. </p><p>Lexa could only stare at her sister in frustration. She could not believe that her sister was doing this now. After years of knowing Clarke, Lexa had no idea that Anya had never really trusted her. Or maybe it was the anger talking through Anya's mouth.</p><p>"As soon as we find them, things will be different between us," Lexa said. "Clarke will no longer be around you. I won't be either."</p><p>"Fine," Anya said. "Just get your ass in the car and let's go."</p><hr/><p>
  <em>If Raven was not around, you would get more. You would get her dose, too. You will feel even better when you kill Raven.</em>
</p><p>It was taking all of Clarke's willpower to not listen to the voices in her head. She could feel Raven's stares on her and the woman was probably doing the same thing. Raven was having the same thoughts. Neither was ready to talk about it but they had stopped talking all together. They were no longer trying to find ways to escape their prison. They were too worried about getting another dose. They did not even have food to distract them.</p><p>Neither held out hope for Lexa and Anya to show up anymore.</p><p>All they had now was <em>Red</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9 - February 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa felt like she had not slept all week since they had been gone. She blamed herself for letting Clarke go. She blamed herself for letting Clarke get addicted to Red the way she had all those years ago. She remembered what it felt like and it killed her to know that Clarke felt that way right now.</p>
<p>Anya and Lexa knew that the two girls were probably trying to kill each other right now. The drugs would make them feel so aggressive. It did not matter who the person was. By time they found the girls, they would want to kill to two of them anyway.</p>
<p>To make matters worse, Lexa and Anya were constantly fighting. Anya blamed Lexa for Raven being gone and Lexa was mad that Anya still did not trust Clarke. </p>
<p>The ring on her finger felt like an unwanted weight. Clarke had told her once that the weight of the ring made her feel stable when she felt out on control. It made Lexa feel the opposite way. Lexa refused to give up looking for them and Ontari but as the days went by she grew more and more exhausted and depressed about it all. </p>
<p>"Eat this," Lincoln said, laying a bag beside Lexa on the kitchen table.</p>
<p>Anya had decided to stay at her own apartment today to do her own research or tracking or whatever she could to make herself feel better. Anya just wanted to feel helpful. Raven had always been the one doing all the behind-the-scenes work that they did not appreciate until she was gone. </p>
<p>"Thanks," she mumbled. Lexa would have normally refused the food. She had not really been hungry since Clarke went missing but she needed the food in order to have the energy to find her. </p>
<p>After taking a few bites, she laid the food down and sighed. </p>
<p>"I'm scared we will never find them," she admitted. "I'm scared that it will be too late if we do."</p>
<p>"I know," Lincoln said. "Octavia's scared, too. We'll find them though. They'll be fine, okay?"</p>
<p>Lexa had no choice but to believe him. She had to believe that it would not be too late. She knew Clarke was strong. It was something she loved about the woman. Lexa would have to worry about her relationship with Anya once the girls were back. </p>
<hr/>
<p>The gun felt amazing in Clarke's hand. The cold metal was familiar. Sometime in the night, Raven had disappeared from the room and it was only her. With her latest dose, the man had left a gun behind. Something inside of her was screaming to drop it but a much larger part of her refused to put it down. She wanted to feel the clicking against her finger when she pulled the trigger. </p>
<p><em>Raven</em>.</p>
<p>Clarke looked around and realized Raven was now gone. The puddle of blood from the gash in her back had long since dried but she touched her fingers to it. Her body felt the urge to taste it. She needed it more than she needed her next dose right now.</p>
<p>The world around her was gone and this room was all she knew. Raven was gone and there was a gun in her place now. The next time someone came in, she was going to kill them. She was going to kill them and finally taste when her body needed so badly.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Raven was trying so hard to remember their address. The man had pushed her out of the van with one last dose. She immediately injected it which made her feel a million times better. It did not help her remember where she lived. The empty syringe lay beside her as she fell back into the grass. The sun was too bright.</p>
<p>"Anya," she mumbled.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Anya received the phone call a few hours later. It was Ontari's voice she heard. It was only coordinates and since Anya had barely woken to the call it did not make sense at first. Before she could ask the woman to repeat it, the line dropped.</p>
<p>Her first thought was to call Lexa. Lexa would know what to do but Anya wrote down the numbers she remembered, which was a surprising amount, before she could call her sister. Even though Anya had given the younger woman hell the past few days, Lexa was already on her way before the call could end.</p>
<p>When they finally managed to find Raven, she was lying in the grass and convulsing. Anya ran from the passenger seat and grabbed her quickly. Lexa looked all around the around in hopes that maybe Clarke would be here, too. Ontari was not going to let her off that easy. She fully intended to make Lexa suffer even longer.</p>
<p>"Dammit, Lexa, help me!" Anya shouted, carrying Raven to the car.</p>
<p>Lexa threw open the backseat door to let her sister lay Raven out. She knew they needed to leave the area in case someone was watching and they needed to get Raven home in order to begin weening her immediately but, as she drove further from there, she kept watching in the rear view mirror as if Clarke would magically appear. Deep down, she knew that Ontari would never be that forgiving to her. </p>
<p>Maybe Ontari is more like Nia than Lexa previously thought.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Raven's screams made Lexa's teeth clench. She knew Anya was struggling, too, but Lexa desperately needed information from her that was impossible to get right now. Every time she tried to ask about Clarke, Raven screamed for <em>'just a little bit more'</em> or Anya shoved her from the room where Raven was tied down on the bed. </p>
<p>Withdrawal from the drug was a long and painful process. It had taken Lexa and Anya six months to recover but they had not had someone helping either. They had only had each other.</p>
<p>"I know what you're thinking," Anya said as she refilled a glass of water. "You want to give her another dose so she will tell you where blondie is."</p>
<p>"I'm not thinking that," Lexa said honestly. It had not even crossed her mind.</p>
<p>"Good because I'm not doing it," she said. </p>
<p>Lexa noticed that Anya had used her nickname for Clarke instead of her formal name as they had been accustomed to. Maybe there was hope after all. Lexa had done everything she could to help Raven and her sister. Raven <em>was</em> her own sister. The three of them had been family long before they ever met Clarke.</p>
<p>"I just... I just wish Ontari would tell us something," Lexa said. "Maybe I could hear her voice or something. I just want to know if she's alive or not. It's killing me to not know."</p>
<p>"Raven was alive," Anya said, relief in her voice at that. "Clarke has to be, too."</p>
<p>"I hope so," Lexa said. "I just miss her a lot."</p>
<p>Raven screamed again from inside the bedroom. They just had to ignore most of them at this point. It was hard for Anya to do. All she wanted to do was make it all better for Raven, Lexa knew, but it was impossible this time. Her leg brace had not returned with her which meant Raven would not be able to walk anyway.</p>
<p>"I'm... I'm sorry, Lexa," Anya said. She looked like she wanted to say more but it was enough. Lexa knew she was sorry for everything that happened before. Anya glanced at her again, embarrassed, before going to try and force Raven to drink water again.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke awoke to the feeling of a needle in her arm. Relief washed over her as the drug filled her again. It filled all her empty holes that had long since been forgotten about. Lexa, Raven, Anya, Octavia, and Lincoln were just blips in her memory. Her life revolved around the drugs. It made her happy.</p>
<p>The gun was gone again and she wondered if it had ever been real. Maybe she had been supposed to use it on herself but how could she get more drugs if she was dead?</p>
<p>Once she was fully awake, the person was gone again but the door was left open. She was free. When she turned to leave, she heard a little cry. In the corner of the room now sat a little baby. It did not make sense in her mind for there to be a child here. She fought with her body and the drugs to not hurt the little prisoner.</p>
<p>The drugs finally won.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Raven mentioned something about a windowless room a few days later. Anya was in bed with her when she did. They were able to sleep together again, even though Raven was still tied to the bed. She still woke up screaming a lot but Anya could not be away from her any longer.</p>
<p>As soon as her sister told her about it, something came to mind. Nathan had been held somewhere but Lexa and Anya never knew where. Octavia knew. Lexa picked them up in the middle of the night. She did not want to bring Octavia but the woman had insisted. They had a long drive but if there was a chance that Clarke was there then Lexa would do anything to check.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke pressed her back to the brick building. Lexa had failed her. Anya and Raven had, too. Now, she had the blood of an innocent child on her hands. Her body was shaking as she looked down at the bright red blood covering her up to her elbows. She just needed another dose and everything would be fine again. </p>
<p>She heard the sounds of a car stopped not far from where she stood. She could not see their faces but their voices made something click in her brain. </p>
<p>The drugs won again when she attacked.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10 - March 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Lexa could have screamed in relief when she saw Clarke lying in the tiny room where Nathan had once been held. She could tell Clarke had lost weight and that she was shaking but she had to find a key if she wanted to get inside. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Clarke?" Lexa said through the bars. "Sweetheart, can you hear me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke looked up at the sound of another voice and growled. Lexa had never heard her make a sound like that. She could tell the blonde recognized her somewhere in her mind but the drugs were taking too much of her away. Her cheeks were sunken in from lack of food and water.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The woman back herself up to the wall to get away from them. It looked like she was protecting someone but there was no one else in the room. Her arms were spread wide and she kept looking back at the wall.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She heard Lincoln fighting with someone and then a gunshot. She just hope it was not Lincoln who got hurt. When he returned with keys a little while later, she smiled in relief.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke tried to attack Lexa but she was so weak that it barely did anything. Lincoln threw Clarke over his shoulder despite her trying to punch him in the back and carried her to the car while she screamed and shouted. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It felt surreal to have Clarke in the car with them now. Even if the woman was trying to hurt all of them, Lexa had never felt relief like she felt right now.</em>
</p><p>Lexa awoke in the hotel room, immediately reaching over for Clarke. The bed beside her was empty and cold. She was still alone.</p><hr/><p>The drive to Maine had been long. When they arrived near the area where Nathan had been held, she was confident that Clarke would be there. Clarke was not. The cell had obviously been empty for a long time. </p><p>Lexa felt completely defeated. Raven was now through the worst parts of her withdrawal and Clarke was still gone. Every day that passed, there was less of a chance they would ever find her alive. Clarke had now been on the drugs for three weeks. Lexa doubted she was eating much or drinking any water. Red was the only reason she was alive, if she <em>was</em> alive at this point.</p><p>Octavia was eating something in the bed beside her own. Lincoln was asleep. Lexa watched her for a moment and grew even sadder. Clarke was missing out on Octavia's pregnancy. She knew her niece meant a lot to Clarke. Maybe it was something keeping her alive right now. </p><p>"Sorry," Octavia said when she noticed Lexa awake. "She won't stop kicking me. I can't sleep."</p><p>"It's okay," Lexa replied. "I can't sleep either."</p><p>"She's broken free by now," Octavia said, staring down at the food in her bowl.</p><p>Lexa did not know how she meant that, at first, and she wondered if Octavia was also aware of the double meaning. She could have broken free two different ways. She could not think of one of them. She could not imagine a world without Clarke in it.</p><p>"Maybe she's trying to get back to us," Lexa said, laying on her back. "Rae and Anya will call if she does. Tomorrow, maybe we should just go back home. You should be in your own bed and I should be at home in case she comes back."</p><p>"I... I had a dream that we found her here," Octavia admitted. "I don't... I don't think we should leave yet. I have a feeling that she's somewhere here. I can't explain it."</p><p>"I had a dream we found her here, too," Lexa said. "We can stay a bit longer. Maybe we'll get lucky."</p><hr/><p>Clarke stared down at the blood covering her hands. She wiped the back of her hand across her mouth where more blood was.</p><p>
  <em>Did I bite someone?</em>
</p><p>"Lexa was right about you," someone said. "You're stronger than you look."</p><p>Clarke forced her body to turn so she could see who was talking to her. They were outside but it still felt cramped. Ontari stared down at her which made Clarke realize she was crouched on the ground. Beneath her lay the body of the man that had given her dose after dose of the drug she craved. His neck had been bitten into and he was still bleeding. Clarke refused to believe she had done that.</p><p>"What?" Clarke asked. She had not heard Ontari's words through the fogginess of her world right now. Clarke remembered there being a baby... </p><p>
  <em>It was not real. It had felt so real.</em>
</p><p>Her imagination was playing tricks on her. Her body and mind needed the drugs to feel normal again. This was her new normal.</p><p>"Please, Ontari," she said, reaching out for her. "Please. I need it."</p><p>Ontari reached into the dead man's pocket and handed her a syringe. She used her teeth to open it and slid it into her own arm. The second the drugs hit her system, she fell back in the grass. The sun burned her eyes but everything was so pretty now. Everything was right again.</p><p>"I need you to do something for me," Ontari said, rubbing her hand over Clarke's arm. "I need you to kill someone for me. I'll only give you more when you do."</p><p>Clarke turned her head to look at the woman and smiled. Right now, Ontari was her life line. She was the only way Clarke knew to get the drugs she needed. "Yes," she said softly, nodding.</p><p>Ontari leaned down and kissed her. The feeling reminded her of being loved. With the drugs in her system and someone to care for her, Clarke felt like she was on top of the world. She had never in her life felt this good.</p><p>"You know who you need to kill," Ontari whispered, lips still grazing Clarke's.</p><p>"Yes," Clarke whispered again.</p><p>"She killed your father. She did not come for you," Ontari said. "I did. I can give you anything you want."</p><p>"Yes," Clarke whispered again.</p><p>When Clarke looked up again, the woman was gone but a rifle lay in the grass beside her. </p><p>
  <em>A sniper rifle.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>very short but very important</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11 - March 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Octavia looked down at the ultrasound picture in her hand as Lincoln drove them home. Today marked exactly one month until her due date. Her biggest fear was that Clarke would not be there when the baby was born. Octavia was terrified that she was going to have to ban Clarke from being around her baby. </p><p>Everyone was worried about Clarke but they were struggling to figure out what to do. Normally, they could all work together and come up with some kind of plan but they had absolutely nothing to go off of.</p><p>It was now a month Lexa had gone without Clarke. On most days, all Lexa could do was sit around and wait. Anya brought Raven around sometimes but neither of them knew what to do either. Anya felt guilty for everything she had said when Raven was gone. Seeing her sister like this was breaking Anya. </p><p>Lexa carried a hamper of clothes to the couch and dumped them out. She had never folded clothes until Clarke was gone. Either her clean clothes stayed in the hamper until she needed them again or Clarke would fold them. Most of the time, Clarke took care of everything. Lexa lifted one of Clarke's shirt and folded it carefully. She brought it to her nose and inhaled. It still smelled like her favorite scent. Clarke's.</p><p>Anya sighed as she watched and let the apartment door close behind herself. "Sorry," the woman said when Lexa looked back. Her eyes were red and watery.</p><p>"It's okay," Lexa replied, laying the shirt in the pile on the couch. "How is Raven?"</p><p>"She's fine," Anya said. "She's on her way to visit Octavia. She had a baby appointment today."</p><p>"Oh, right," Lexa said. "Yeah, she told me about that a few days ago. I hope everything is going okay with them."</p><p>"It is," Anya replied. "They have like a month left until she's born."</p><p>Lexa nodded and continued to fold her laundry. She threw it all in the hamper once more before dropping it off on their bed. It was still made. Lexa had gotten sick of sleeping there and slept on the couch most nights.</p><p>"I want to ask you something," Lexa said, now pacing in the living room. "But I want you to be honest and not just say what you think I want to hear."</p><p>"I'll do my best, Lex," Anya said.</p><p>"Do you think that she is still alive?" Lexa asked.</p><p>Anya knew that Lexa wanted honesty but she could not tell her sister what she really thought about it. She firmly believed that lying in this situation was the right thing to do. "Yes, I do," she answered. "I do think that she's alive. I don't know where she is but she's strong."</p><p>"Maybe she just doesn't want to come back here," Lexa said. "Maybe she broke free and decided she wanted to go somewhere else. Maybe she's alive and at a beach or something."</p><p>"I don't think so, Lexa," Anya said. "I don't think Clarke would want to be anywhere else than here with you."</p><p>"It's easier to think that she left me than to think that she's dead, you know?" Lexa asked. </p><p>"I know, Lexa," she said. "I'm sorry that I can't do anything. You know I would do anything to help you. That includes Clarke. We'll get her back, okay? Ontari... she's going to slip up at some point."</p><p>"Anya," Lexa said, sighing. "She's been on that shit for a month now. Raven was only on it for like a week and a half and look how long it has taken her to recover."</p><p>"When she gets back, we'll figure it out," Anya said. </p><p>Neither of them were saying what they were both thinking. Lexa had been on Red for a month when she killed Jake. After three weeks on it, she had been unable to fight the aggression she felt. Clarke had surely lost it by now. If she had been able to hold on without hurting anyone, she was no longer going to be able to fight it.</p><hr/><p>The video was sent to her in the middle of the night. Lexa startled from the sound. Her eyes stung as she watched Clarke and Ontari kiss. At least she knew Clarke was alive. That was the most important part.</p><p>As soon as Raven was awake, they did their best to figure out where the video had been taken. It was outside somewhere from the background. Lexa had seen it so many times and every time it still felt like a knife to her stomach. It was the drugs, she kept telling herself.</p><p>This was not her Clarke. <em>This was the Clarke that Ontari made to get her revenge.</em></p><p>Lexa walked over to the hall closet where they kept blankets and towels. The second she opened it, she was hit with Clarke's smell. The blankets she used to cuddle up with on the couch were on top. Lexa pushed them all to the side and grabbed a bag at the bottom. She laid it on the couch and opened it. The bag was full of guns and knives they had stowed away months ago. She grabbed her thigh holster and put it on. She sheathed her favorite knife in it and lifted her handgun.</p><p>"I'll be back with her later," Lexa said fiercely. </p><p>"I'm coming with you," Anya said.</p><p>"No, you aren't," Lexa said. She stared at her sister for a moment. "You're staying with Raven and Octavia. They need you more than I do right now. Plus, if anything was to happen, Clarke would want you with them."</p><p>Anya knew what she was saying. Lexa was going to come back with Clarke or she would not come back at all. Either she would kill Ontari or Ontari would kill her. As much as Anya wanted to go, she knew Lexa was right. She needed to stay with Raven, who was still detoxing, and Octavia, who was eight months pregnant. Lincoln could help them but she did not want to leave Raven.</p><p>Raven and Anya were sitting together at the table and avoiding the chair Clarke usually sat in. Her laugh filled spaces that no one else could fill. It had been too long since Lexa had heard Clarke's laugh. It would be another month even when Clarke returned. There would be laughing while she was detoxing. </p><p>"Lexa, what if she tries to kill you?" Raven asked. </p><p>"Then... I'll try not to let her do that," Lexa said. "I'll everything that I can."</p><p>"I think you're forgetting that Clarke is the best shooter we know," Raven said. </p><p>"I haven't forgotten that," Lexa said. "But... I love her and I want to grow old with her. I need her here with me to do that."</p><p>Just as Raven opened he mouth to comment about how sweet that was, she noticed a red laser light hovering on Lexa's chest. </p><p>"Get down!" Raven screamed. The sound of a bullet hitting the wall behind them sounded a second after Lexa ducked out of the way. Anya had her arm over Raven on the ground. </p><p>Lexa looked up at the hole now in their wall where the bullet hit. If Raven had not been here, she would have been hit. Clarke was <em>here</em>.</p><p>Anya pulled the curtains closed quickly, so whoever was out there could no longer see inside. She knew who was out there but she could not think of that. She could not imagine Clarke trying to kill Lexa or Raven and even herself.</p><hr/><p>Clarke grinned to herself when her finger pulled the trigger. Ontari leaned in and kissed her neck. The feeling made her ache in a terrible way. After seeing Lexa, even from so far away, Ontari disgusted her. As much as she wanted the drugs, she wanted Lexa more. Seeing her made Clarke have flashes of things they had done. Maybe it was in another life. A better life.</p><p>"Clarke!" Lexa shouted from down below. </p><p>Clarke leaned over the edge of the building. Lexa stood in the parking lot with her arms open wide. Ontari grabbed her arm, squeezing gently to silently remind her of the job she had to finish.</p><p>"Hi, sweetheart," Lexa said. She had a smile on her face despite almost being shot not three minutes ago. "I missed you so much. I love you, okay? Everything is going to be okay now. I promise."</p><p>Clarke desperately wanted to believe that. But Ontari was still with her and her body hurt so badly. She had been so grateful when Lexa ducked. The second she had, Clarke pulled the trigger so Ontari believed she had wanted to kill Lexa.</p><p>
  <em>Killing Lexa was the last thing she wanted to do.</em>
</p><p>"Clarke, come down here," Lexa said. "Please, honey. I'll take care of you. Everyone misses you. Octavia and Raven and Anya. Lincoln misses you punching him. Get down here and come inside with me."</p><p>"Do it," Ontari whispered in her ear. She pulled out a full syringe and held it up to Clarke's face. If she was not so dehydrated, she would have drooled at the sight.</p><p>Clarke moved her rifle into position. She saw Lexa grin through the scope but it was small and sad. The thought of the drug made her guilt go away momentarily but she would need another dose if she wanted it to go away completely. </p><p>"I love you, Clarke," Lexa said. She glanced down at her hand where the ring was. "Please... just don't forget that, okay? I know what you're feeling and I know you'll be okay again one day. Things will be normal for you again and if I'm not there... I know you'll still be okay. You're strong. You're my best friend. If you need to do this... just know... I will love you in every lifetime, my princess."</p><p>Clarke's finger moved off the trigger. Just as she let the rifle fall from her face and on the ground, a gunshot deafened her momentarily. The sound of Ontari dropping to the ground beside her made Clarke think of only one thing.</p><p>Anya, her gun still in hand, watched as Clarke scrambled for the syringe in Ontari's now-dead hand and emptied it into her own vein with a sigh of relief. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12 - March 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been two weeks since Clarke returned and Ontari died. Lexa had not allowed Octavia to visit the first week Clarke was home but the doctor had insisted she start bed rest to make sure her baby was safe by then. Lincoln stayed home with her and Anya was keeping Raven away to avoid any chances of her becoming addicted again. The first week had been the hardest. Lexa had been called every name in the book but it did not bother her. At the end of the day when Clarke finally fell asleep and Lexa got to go into their bedroom to see her, it was all worth it. </p>
<p>Everything Lexa had said that day was true. If Clarke had ended up killing her for more drugs, she knew Anya would not let Clarke die, too. She loved Clarke more than anything and if that meant dying for her than so be it. Lexa had done so many terrible things that she deserved it anyway. Selfishly, she wanted to live because that meant spending more time with Clarke and Anya. </p>
<p>Now that Clarke had gotten through the worst of it, she was able to get up from the bed and move around their apartment. She had lost around ten pounds in the month she was gone and her appetite had yet to return. Sometimes, Clarke got sick after eating and sometimes she refused it all together. </p>
<p>The first few days Clarke had begged Lexa for Red. She knew Lexa would not give it to her but it did not stop her from asking. All Lexa could do was tell her that everything would be okay and hold her if Clarke would allow it. Most of the time, she had not wanted that type of affection just yet. It was slowly coming back now but things were strained between them.</p>
<p>They had only kissed twice since Clarke returned and Lexa had initiated it both times. It was not what Lexa was used to. Before Red, Clarke had wanted physical affection from Lexa constantly. Lexa tried to remember that Clarke was so worried about other things right now.</p>
<p>Now though, Lexa woke and Clarke was not in bed with her. That was not normal. Clarke slept almost sixteen hours a day now. When she got up, Clarke was sitting at their kitchen table. Her engagement ring was lying in the middle of it and Clarke kept her eyes on it instead of looking up at her.</p>
<p>Before she could say anything, Lexa knew what was happening. </p>
<p>Instead of waiting to hear whatever it was that Clarke was going to say, she went into the master bath and closed the door. She took a long shower and got ready for the day. It was unbelievable that Clarke would consider leaving her after everything they went through. Lexa had endured two weeks of withdrawal abuse from her just to make sure Clarke came out of this as her normal self. When she returned from the bathroom, Clarke was still in the same spot. </p>
<p>"I need to tell you something," Clarke said, finally looking up at her. </p>
<p>"Okay," Lexa said as she sat across the table.</p>
<p>"I think I killed our baby," Clarke said.</p>
<p>Whatever Lexa had been expecting, it was not that. She opened her mouth to speak and closed it a few times before anything came out. "We don't have a baby," she said. "We have never had a baby."</p>
<p>"I know but... there was this baby in the room with me," she said. "She... I think I killed her."</p>
<p>"That cannot be true, Clarke," Lexa said, reaching out for her hand. Clarke allowed Lexa to hold it, surprisingly. "You would never, ever hurt a child."</p>
<p>Clarke put her free hand on her forehead as she tried to remember. "It felt so real, Lexa," she said.</p>
<p>"I know, sweetheart, but you were dehydrated and starving and high out of your mind," she said. </p>
<p>"I thought about leaving this morning," Clarke admitted. "I just don't feel like we're a couple anymore. I don't want to... I just feel so overwhelmed."</p>
<p>Lexa nodded in understanding. "I know," she said. "But I have an idea. Why don't we go on a vacation?"</p>
<p>"I can't leave when Octavia's about to have the baby," Clarke replied.</p>
<p>Lexa sighed softly and turned Clarke's hand over on the table. She ran her fingertips over the woman's palms gently. "Clarke, honey," she started. "It will be awhile before you can be with her... I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Clarke's eyes filled with tears immediately. "But you just said that I would never hurt a child," she said.</p>
<p>"I know but I'm not going to risk it," Lexa said. "We all know you love Octavia and her baby. Octavia knows that. As soon as I think it's safe, we can go see her."</p>
<p>"Lexa, I have to be there when she's born," Clarke said. "It may be the only birth I get to be apart of. Please, Lexa. I have to be there."</p>
<p>"No, sweetheart," Lexa said again. "I'm definitely not risking you being in a hospital with all the blood and stuff."</p>
<p>Clarke briefly thought about how it felt to bite that guy's neck. His blood had felt so good on her skin but it was hard to believe that ever felt good to her now. Now, all she wanted to feel was the weight of her niece in her arms and the smell of her little head. Sometimes, that was all that motivated her to get better. </p>
<p>"I'm going to get food," Clarke said, standing. </p>
<p>"I'll go with you then," Lexa said.</p>
<p>"You don't trust me?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie?" Lexa asked. "Either way, you aren't going alone."</p>
<p>"Fuck you, Lexa," Clarke replied. "I'm not a fucking child. Forget it. I'm going to take a nap. And no, you aren't invited."</p>
<p>Clarke locked the door behind herself. Lexa sighed, trying her best not to get upset, and made sure her key was above the door before unlocking it. She grabbed the back of Clarke's shirt where the woman was trying to climb out the window to the fire escape and locked her hand to the bed again.</p>
<p>"Lexa!" Clarke shouted, pulling at her locked hand. "Let me go!"</p>
<p>"I can't do that, my love," she said. "Let's lay down and take a nap, okay? You'll feel better in a few hours."</p>
<p>"I don't want to take a nap!" she shouted in Lexa's face. "I want to get out of this fucking hellhole!"</p>
<p>"Our home is not a hellhole," she said, calmly. "You love our home.<em> I</em> love our home. I love you and you love me."</p>
<p>"I do not love you! I hate you!" Clarke said, grabbing Lexa's arm with her free hand. Lexa did her best to stay patient. It felt harder and harder to do each day.</p>
<p>"Okay, Clarke," Lexa said. "That's fine but I'm still not letting you go."</p>
<p>Clarke grabbed the lamp on her bedside table and threw it against the wall so it shattered all over their hardwood floors. That was just another mess Lexa would have to clean. This was just another mood swing. The cravings would pass and Clarke would apologize. It was a cycle they had developed over the past week.</p>
<p>Lexa was exhausted from everything. She wanted so badly to go back to how they were before all of this. Maybe one day they would get there but for now this was the relationship they had and she would have to be okay with it for now.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The hardest part of all of this was not seeing the people they loved. Finally, Raven came over with Anya. The entire situation felt weird and strained. Raven found Clarke sitting on her bed and she noticed the way the windows were not dead-bolted shut. She sat on the other side and laid back on Lexa's pillow.</p>
<p>This was the first time they had been alone since being locked together in the prison room. Clarke laid back on her own pillow and their hands laced together between them. They laid in silence for a long time.</p>
<p>"I don't think I will ever feel normal again," Clarke admitted.</p>
<p>"I think about that, too," Raven admitted. "But Anya does. Lexa does. They got through it and we can, too."</p>
<p>"I shouldn't have let you come with me," she said. "I regret it so much."</p>
<p>"I chose to go with you," Raven replied. "I don't regret it. I'm glad you weren't alone."</p>
<p>Clarke squeezed her hand. "You'll tell me everything that happens at the hospital, right?" she asked, trying hard not to cry.</p>
<p>"Yes," Raven said.</p>
<p>A part of Clarke selfishly wished Raven was not allowed to go, too. Apparently she was the only one not allowed to see her niece being born. It was a price she had to pay for what she had done.</p>
<p>"Give that baby a kiss for me," Clarke said. "And tell me the name as soon as they pick one."</p>
<p>"They've already picked her name," Raven said. "O told me the other day. They named her Luna."</p>
<p>"That's beautiful," she said, wiping her eyes. "You should probably go before Lexa thinks we're tried to sneak out."</p>
<p>As if on cue, Lexa stood in the doorway to check on them. Raven stood and stepped past her to find Anya. Clarke turned away from the door, on her side, and closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep until this was all over. Maybe she wanted to sleep forever. Life was not fair and that was something Clarke would have to accept.</p>
<p>"Do you want some dinner?" Lexa asked once the door to their apartment closed.</p>
<p>"No," Clarke replied. </p>
<p>She heard Lexa sigh from the doorway. She sounded frustrated. Clarke related to that.</p>
<p>"I know you're depressed about Octavia and the baby!" Lexa finally said. She was not shouting but her voice was loud and firm. It was almost accusatory. "But one day soon you are going to be normal again and you're going to be glad that I did all of this for you."</p>
<p>"Okay," Clarke said with her eyes still closed.</p>
<p>"Tell me what you're feeling," Lexa said. "Please just tell me what I can do to fix this."</p>
<p>"You can go back and stop me from killing that baby," she said.</p>
<p>"Clarke, you did not kill a baby," Lexa said. "I have told you that over and over."</p>
<p>"I did," she mumbled. "I can still feel my hands around her neck and..."</p>
<p>"It was a delusion, Clarke," Lexa said, sitting on the bed. She rubbed Clarke's back soothingly. "I know it feels real but it's not."</p>
<p>"How do you know that?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Because I know you," Lexa said. "Ontari did not have a baby. No one around her had one. It doesn't make sense."</p>
<p>Clarke sighed and turned on her back to look up at Lexa. She reached up and ran her fingers across the woman's cheekbone. Lexa's eyes fluttered closed as she leaned into the touch. Things were slowly starting to feel like they did before.</p>
<p>"Use our own child as motivation," Lexa whispered.</p>
<p>"What?" Clarke asked.</p>
<p>"One day we will have a child and you can use them as motivation to get better," she replied.</p>
<p>"Lexa, that is not a good idea," she said. "Our lives are not safe for a child. I don't think we should put that in our future plans."</p>
<p>"Clarke, you want a baby," Lexa said. </p>
<p>"I also want to get high," Clarke said. "Can you make that happen for me?"</p>
<p>Clarke could tell that struck a cord with her. Lexa had spent so much time being patient with her, she knew, but it did not make her feel better physically. Only her drug of choice could do that right now.</p>
<p>"Fine," she said. "I'm going to take a shower."</p>
<p>Lexa stood and closed the bathroom door behind herself. Clarke listened to the water hitting the shower floor for awhile before she stood. She slipped into the shower behind Lexa after removing her clothes. They made love for the first time in a long time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13 - April 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two weeks later, Clarke awoke to the sounds of bird outside their window. For the first time in months, her thoughts were not about how she could get high. She looked over at Lexa in bed with her and smiled. She wondered how her new little niece had slept. Octavia usually called around noon when Luna took a nap to let her know everything and Clarke loved it. Luna was only a week old but she was already such an important part of Clarke's world. She had not even held her yet but just knowing that she existed in the world made Clarke happy to keep going and to keep getting better.</p><p>Raven and Anya came around more often which made her happy, too. She could see a light in Lexa's eyes that had been missing for too long. Clarke no longer lashed out or took out her frustrations on her. They spent more quality time together. Things finally felt normal again.</p><p>They had plans to go out on a date. Clarke took her time getting ready that night. She spoke to Octavia for awhile on the phone while she did her makeup. Her heart ached to be with her, Luna, and Lincoln but Lexa had been right. Until she was fully through withdrawal, she could not be around something so fragile and precious. </p><p>"I am so thankful for you," Clarke said later that night. She reached for Lexa's hand across the table. "And I'm sorry for everything I have said. I hope you don't think I feel that way. Or that I have ever felt that way about you. I... I'm so in love with you."</p><p>"I know, Clarke," Lexa said. "I love you, too."</p><p>Clarke knew that she would never be able to take back the things she had done or said to Lexa. She could also tell that Lexa was still worried Clarke would high a low and be back to where she was two weeks ago. Every time Clarke spoke, it was like Lexa flinched. </p><p>"Let's get married," Clarke said. </p><p>"You want to actually get married?" Lexa asked. "How do you expect us to do that?"</p><p>"What do you mean?" she asked.</p><p>"We can't use our real names," Lexa said. "We would need birth certificates and social security numbers. We could use our fakes but then... what's the point?"</p><p>Clarke swallowed thickly as she stared at her. Her words felt like cuts. "You're right," she said. "It was stupid."</p><p>Their food arrived and they ate in silence. All around them couples were laughing and holding hands and staring into each other eyes. At their table, things were tense and strained. Just this morning she had been so happy and relieved things were back to normal but now they were headed backwards. Maybe Clarke had done too much damage to their relationship.</p><p>She slipped the ring off her finger and held it out for Lexa. "Do you want this back?" Clarke asked.</p><p>Lexa swallowed as she looked at it but eventually shook her head. "No," she said. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. "Clarke, I love you too. Why does everything have to be so hard? Is this our punishment for everything we have done?"</p><p>"Maybe so but..." Clarke said. "Being on Red was a punishment. Being with you is a reward."</p><p>"Clarke, I..." Lexa started. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she answered it. Her eyes widened as she listened. "Roan, what?"</p><p>Clarke's stomach immediately dropped when she heard his name. She had good reason to hate him even more now. </p><p>"What do you mean?" she asked, standing up from the table.</p><p>Clarke threw two hundred dollar bills down on the table and followed her out the door. Lexa stopped and Clarke ran into her back. She heard Lexa say she would be there soon before hanging up.</p><p>"Clarke..." she mumbled. "Ontari did have a baby. Someone just dropped her off on Roan's doorstep."</p>
<hr/><p>They held hands on the way to Roan's apartment. Roan, obviously, had no idea how to care for a child. Clarke had no idea if this was the same baby from her imprisonment. She had no way of knowing if she had hurt her in some way. Maybe Clarke had attacked her and now she was disfigured. What if Clarke had hurt her but had not killed her?</p><p>Clarke could hear the baby crying from the other side of Roan's door. Lexa waited for him to come let them in. "I have no idea what she wants," he said.</p><p>The sight of him made Clarke's skin crawl. He had been the one to get them involved in Ontari's plans to begin with. It had all been a setup and Clarke was still not one hundred percent confident that he was completely in the dark about it.</p><p>The second Lexa had the little girl in her arms, she calmed. All the baby had wanted was attention which Roan was apparently too uncomfortable to do.</p><p>"It's her, Lexa," Clarke said, recognizing her eyes and face from her drugged state.</p><p>Obviously, they were not going to leave this baby with Roan who had no idea where to start with her. They had nothing to care for her even for one night until they could take her somewhere that could adopt her out to someone.</p><p>"I think she hid her pregnancy from us," Roan said. "Nia might have killed them both if she knew."</p><p>"Maybe so," Lexa said, watching the little girl carefully. She appeared to be perfectly normal and healthy. "Clarke and I will take care of it, okay? We'll figure something out."</p><p>Roan nodded gratefully. On their way home, she bought a car seat for the time being and buckled her into it before heading back to their apartment. Clarke watched Lexa rock her to sleep and her heart burst with love for the woman. </p><p>"What are we going to do, Clarke?" Lexa asked, staring down at the little girl sleep on their bed in the middle of pillows and blankets.</p><p>"We can drop her off a firehouse," Clarke said. "They'll find her a family easily. She's so young. Some woman out there is probably dying to be her mother."</p><p>"Yeah," Lexa said, shrugging. "You're right. It'll be good for her, too."</p><p>Clarke nodded in agreement. She could not sleep with the baby in the bed with them. Lexa was sleeping on one side of her and Clarke was watching them sleep on the other. Thankfully, they had a large bed. When the baby reached out and whined for something in her sleep, she smiled when Clarke let the baby hold her finger. Her heart broke from the sight alone.</p><p>This perfection coming from someone like Ontari seemed unreal. The woman did not deserve to have birthed something so perfect. Someone was definitely going to give this girl an amazing home and life. </p>
<hr/><p>They both found excuses to not drop the baby off that day. Just one more day and they would do it. But a day turned into two and then it was four. On the fourth day, Lexa called the baby <em>Madi</em>. Clarke heard Lexa whispering it at first but then it became her name. Clarke started to call her Madi, too. </p><p>In the midst of their baby haze, they had neglected all their other relationships. Anya showed up unannounced when the two of them had not answered their phone in days. She froze when she saw the baby asleep on Clarke's chest.</p><p>"What is that?" she asked.</p><p>Clarke chuckled. "A baby," she replied, muting the TV so it did not wake Madi.</p><p>"Whose baby is it?" she asked.</p><p>"Ontari's," Lexa replied as she carried a hamper into the room. </p><p>Anya noticed all the baby clothes in it. "We are going to take her to an adoption agency tomorrow," Clarke said but the words hurt coming out. They had been saying 'tomorrow' for over half of a week.</p><p>"Yeah right, mommies," Anya said, chuckling. </p><p>They looked at each other and knew. Both of them had been too scared to admit that they wanted to keep Madi. From the second Lexa held her, Madi was their baby. Clarke kissed the baby's head on her and pushed her thin hair back, affectionately. </p><p>"Want to hold her, Aunt Anya?" Lexa asked.</p><p>"I haven't even held the other one yet," she said. </p><p>"Luna?" Clarke asked, chuckling quietly. </p><p>"Yeah," she replied. "I'm glad you two are so happy. It's nice to see."</p><p>Clarke and Lexa smiled at each other. Things had never been better between the two of them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i think the epilogue will be next</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Epilogue - October 2020</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"How do you even know today is her birthday?" Anya asked as she sat heavily on the couch.</p>
<p>"We don't," Lexa said. </p>
<p>Madi ran grabbed her aunt's leg and smiled up at her. She raised her arms to be held and Anya groaned like it was an inconvenience to reach down and lift her up. Once she was in Anya's lap, she was happy. It was only when Madi started to pull on Anya's hair did she start to smile.</p>
<p>"Listen, kid," Anya said, turning Madi to face her. "None of that. I know you're jealous of my hair and you want long hair too but you can't rip mine out to compensate for it, okay?"</p>
<p>Madi just giggled and grabbed another strand. Clarke kissed Lexa quickly as she passed them to go into the kitchen. She still had to finish making all the food before everyone got here but now that Anya was watching Madi, it made things a million times easier. </p>
<p>Raven was sitting on their counter and eating from the bowl of chips Clarke had just set out for everyone. The only people they were waiting on was Octavia and Lincoln who were bringing Luna to Madi's birthday party. Since they had assumed Madi was about five months old when they took her in, they just picked a random day in October and made it her <em>unofficial</em> birthday. </p>
<p>"I got you something," Raven said, waving an envelope in Clarke's face.</p>
<p>"You got me something? Did you forget whose birthday it is?" she asked as she snatched it from her hand.</p>
<p>"Of course not," Raven said through the snacks in her mouth.</p>
<p>Inside the envelope was a thick piece of paper. A birth certificate. The name on it said <em>Madison Amelia Griffin-Woods</em>. Her eyes welled with tears when she saw that her own and Lexa's name were listed as Madi's official parents. Clarke hugged Raven tight and wiped her eyes as she pulled back. </p>
<p>"Thank you," she said. "Let me show Lexa."</p>
<p>The two woman went into the living room where the sisters were playing with Madi. There was not a better sight, in her own opinion, than seeing their daughter with her whole family. Madi made everyone happy. No one could fight when she was around and that was not just because Lexa had banned it. No one wanted to fight with the girls around, Luna and Madi.</p>
<p>"Look at this," Clarke said, handing over the birth certificate.</p>
<p>Lexa stared at it for a moment and smiled. "Amelia?" she asked Clarke.</p>
<p>"I wanted her to have your mom's name," she explained. </p>
<p>Lexa and Anya suddenly seemed very emotional. Neither woman cried since it was <em>'not their thing'</em> according to Anya but Clarke felt inexplicably happy to have been able to do that for them. Raven did the paperwork but Clarke had made the decision.</p>
<p>Octavia and Lincoln arrived a few minutes later with Luna. Lincoln set her down on the ground so she could crawl around as Madi walked. The older baby was still wobbly but she was getting better every day. It made Clarke and Lexa happy and sad at the same time. Seeing the two girls play together was always adorable.</p>
<p>They all sat around the living room while the babies played and moved from person to person for attention. Luna crawled to her dad every few minutes and he always lifted her for a kiss. After the fifth time, Octavia rolled her eyes. </p>
<p>"How unfair is it that I spent months in pain for her and she doesn't even want me?" Octavia asked, joking. "Luna is already the biggest daddy's girl in the world."</p>
<p>"That is unfair," Clarke said, laughing. </p>
<p>As if on cue, Luna reached for her mom. Instead of wanting attention, she started crying for food. "Make her bottle, Linc," she said. But when Luna saw her dad warming the bottle up, she cried for him. Octavia rolled her eyes as she handed the baby off for Lincoln to feed.</p>
<p>"Raven and I decided to take a vacation," Anya said. "We're leaving in a few days."</p>
<p>"Where are you going?" Lexa asked from the floor with her daughter.</p>
<p>"Vegas," she replied. "Rae wants to get married in one of those drive-thru places and I want to drive a convertible along the strip."</p>
<p>Everyone froze and stared at Anya. The woman finally looked up only to roll her eyes. "Well, none of you ever offered to buy me a convertible!" she said.</p>
<p>"I think they are reacting to the marriage part, An," Raven replied.</p>
<p>Everyone nodded, mouths basically hanging open in shock. No one every expected the two of them to be the first ones to officially get married.</p>
<p>"Well, now that I don't have to force Raven to sleep in a bullet-proof vest, I figure it's the perfect time," Anya said. "Plus, who knows how long we'll have until someone else comes knocking on our door needing something."</p>
<p>Clarke groaned. "I'm saying no next time," she said. </p>
<p>Madi pointed at her mom and said 'no, mommy' which made everyone laugh. She had started to talk a few weeks ago and was speaking more every day.</p>
<p>Clarke lifted the baby into her lap and kissed her forehead. "Happy birthday, sweet girl," she said. "And promise me that you will have a normal life.</p>
<p>"<em>No, mommy</em>," Madi said again.</p>
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